How Divorcing is like Selling a Car
The following might sound like a harsh comparison, but divorcing someone is very similar to the process of buying a new car. You find yourself noticing every last flaw in the old car, exaggerating those flaws in order to feel better about selling it.
In the same vein, it is very normal to make different excuses and do different things to create distance from a former partner while divorcing. The worse they are portrayed, the easier it is to escape responsibility for the end of the marriage.
Seeking revenge is common when divorcing. When parties focus on getting even, there is an equal amount of energy spent being blameless. The truth here is that fault-finding and blaming are both unnecessary and unhelpful.
Rationalization Behind Divorcing
Another thing that divorcing parties do is rationalizing. They make themselves feel as though the marriage was unpleasant, and now it’s time to make up for it in the divorce. This thinking that their marriage was unpleasant is unfair to both parties. Not only that, it can hinder emotional healing.
Knowing the typical emotional stages that you’re going through when ending a relationship is important. This can help to normalize the divorce experience somewhat. It is also helpful to know that marriages do not break down overnight. Not only that, it is rarely over one incident and is almost never the entire fault of one party.
The emotional process of a breakup typically extends for years. It is also confounded by each party being at different stages in the emotional process. When you consider this, it can put parties at odds during the divorce process.
Why is mediation a compassionate and appropriate venue for helping people through a divorce?
It takes family members, on average, four to eight years to recover from a bitter divorce. This is both on the emotional front as well as the financial expenses involved. Negotiations proceed through lawyers and are strategic and positioned. Going to court is an expensive risk; someone who does not know you makes decisions. In an adversarial divorce, there is no possible resolution of the emotional issues, only decreased trust and increased resentment.
Mediators and Conflict Coaches may save parties thousands of dollars in immediate and future legal and counselling fees. They can focus parties on creating their best possible future and help parties resolve their emotional issues for the best interests of their children and their own psychological well-being.
Mediators can help parties feel understood and accept responsibility for the failure of the marriage. Not only that, but when there are children, mediators begin to reshape relationships from one of the partners to co-parents.
Fairway Divorce Solution’s Mediators and Conflict Coaches can empower clients by helping them be at their best during a challenging time in their lives. We can enable them to have an active role in their separating (creative choice vs. court imposition). Not only that, we can create a clear and understandable road map for the future, make informed decisions, and look back at their behaviours in the mediation of their divorce with integrity and self-respect.