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Divorce Blog

Facing a divorce, look in the Mirror and be real about what you see

By Guest Blogger

Women Looking Into MirrorRegardless of circumstances, divorce will normally require us to evaluate who we are and what we want out of life. It can be a little bit like looking in the mirror. Unfortunately, sometimes when we wake up and look in the mirror we discover our hair is messy and we don’t like what we see. When we look in the mirror and don’t like what we see, we have three options:

Option #1

I don’t like what I see and I can’t handle it right now and so I take the mirror off the wall and put it in the closet. My issue seems overwhelming and for whatever reason, I can’t deal with it right now. Perhaps it’s too painful and I can’t face it and it is easier to avoid my problem. Whatever the reason, I put the mirror in the closet and go through the day hoping that my hair will simply fix itself.

I, myself, often have divorcing couples come into my office and tell me they are on the same page. However, when I meet with them and ask questions I learn that they agree on very little.

Rather than dealing with an issue and resolving our differences we may hear what we want to hear. I may go through the day avoiding the mirror and when I come home my hair is still a mess — why? I never dealt with the problem.

Option #2

I look in the mirror and can’t believe that I would look dishevelled in the morning The mirror must be wrong and so I break the mirror.

For whatever reason, I can’t accept that in some way I might be partially responsible for the mess I find myself in and so I blame someone else. Perhaps, “my mediator should have pushed for this” or, “my ex-spouse shouldn’t have said that” When I am hurt, there is a natural tendency to want justice to want someone to pay for my pain. I am acutely aware of the pain that I feel but am numb to the fact that I may have played a role in creating the conflict in the first place. As a conflict escalates I will naturally surround myself with people who are empathetic to my position. Our friends hear one side of the story and they become focused on “righting a wrong” that was committed against us.

Rather than accepting responsibility for my role in the conflict and learning through the experience I blame someone else.

Option #3

By failing to appropriately address what I see in the mirror our pain will, whether I acknowledge it or not, eventually become all-consuming. I spend a lot of energy either trying to deny my feelings or trying to find justice. As such, I get out my hairbrush and brush my hair. I am a believer that disappointment, heartache, betrayal and pain can be a gift designed to surface the hidden insecurities that I once thought were buried so deep no one would ever find them.

Once a hidden insecurity is brought to the surface it can be acknowledged, dealt with and ultimately resolved.