Keep Communication Authentic -- Speak Your Truth
Relationships fall apart for many reasons. One of the most common reasons is the "lack of open communication." Most couples will remember the early years when they talked through the night about everything under the sun. They spent hours gazing into each other's eyes, hanging on every word. As the years pass there is less intrigue and surprise for sure but hopefully those lustful times are replaced with a deep sense of knowing, love, commitment and comfort.
Well, that is at least how it is supposed to be. So what can possibly take two loves birds and turn them into Siamese fighting fish? One reason that positive communication subsides is because we have never really learned how to communicate in a deep authentic way in the first place. So, as things show up in the marriage, couples do not have the tools to address them in a way that brings them closer and deepens their love and bond.
Of course, speaking your truth is easy if things are going well in your relationship. However, when there is conflict or the potential for conflict, speaking from a place of personal truth can be scary, particularly if the consequences are unknown. You can choose to either sweep your true feelings under the carpet hoping that they might just go away or you can speak up. Not speaking up will result in resentment over time and can, in the end, result in the same outcome you were afraid of in the first place. If you do speak up then you risk conflict so there is the dilemma.
Read the full blog at Huffington Post
Speaking your truth is easy if things are going well in your relationship. However, when there is conflict or the potential for conflict, speaking from a place of personal truth can be scary, particularly if the consequences are unknown. You have a choice to either hide your true feelings under the carpet hoping that they might just go away or speak up. Unfortunately, not speaking up will only result in resentment over time and, in the end, will result in the same outcome you were afraid of in the first place. If you do speak up then you run the risk of conflict and perhaps endings; hence the dilemma.
In the romantic and dramatic movie Love Story, Ali MacGraw’s character says, tearfully, to Ryan O’Neal’s character,
“I forgot my keys.”
To which he says, “Jenny, I’m sorry.”
Jenny, still tearfully but somewhat thoughtfully, says,
“No…love means never having to say you’re sorry.”
I, and about everyone else in the world [the film did garner 7 Academy Award nominations, winning one for Best Music – listen to the theme if you’re strong enough], went to see this movie: two beautiful upwardly-mobile young people, deeply in love, facing a tragedy.
I know that sounds cliché and somewhat obvious but it is not. To actually choose this means that when faced with challenges, disappointments and heartache you have to be disciplined with regards to both your actions and thoughts.
After years in the divorce business, I am convinced that divorce is preventable. Enjoy and embrace this first blog in a series discussing steps to avoid the big "D."
"Who you marry will define 90 percent of your happiness." -- Anonymous
I remember reading this in my late twenties and thinking, "Wow, whoever wrote this must not be very independent or confident. They must need someone else to define them." Well, I was wrong. I missed the entire meaning and essence behind this powerful message.
This does not mean that you need someone else to make you happy or that you suffer from some kind of serious insecurity. In fact, it speaks to the opposite. It is saying that our choices in life will define our happiness. Each choice, good or bad, has consequences and those outcomes frame our existence and, in turn, our thoughts. Our thoughts define our lives.
That “gut” feeling is really your higher self, otherwise known as your intuition. We all have times when we have intuitive thoughts or senses, but how do we know when to trust it? If you have the time to read a book - Awaken the Spirit Within written by Rebecca. Rosen, has some great advice with regards to fine-tuning this muscle. Here are a few tips and guidelines to help you “trust, listen and follow”:
- If a thought comes to your mind, literally out of the blue - listen to it.
- If you have series of destructive or negative thought patterns that are building one on top of another - this is likely fear based and not your intuition.
Divorce can be a devastating event for anyone. Not only can it take an emotional toll on those affected, but it can also cause tremendous financial strain. Nothing is easy with divorce, particularly the noting down and splitting up of financial assets.
The following are some suggestions that may help a person get their financial situation back in the fold once they’ve gone through a divorce:
Know Your Place
Incomes can be directly affected by divorce. It is of paramount importance that a person sustain themselves now that they are alone. Alimony should not be relied on as an only source of income. Rather, it is very important for one to maximize what money can be made.
In some ways this word, trust, has become over used and under estimated. To truly trust means to unconditionally love and to be completely vulnerable. Perhaps it can be concluded that if you totally trust, you can get hurt and, lets face it, nobody wants to get hurt. Some have even gone as far as to take the word “trust” out of their vocabulary. In contrast, however, not trusting results in a piece of unfulfilled love and potential. Practically speaking, the true essence of trust has been lost. In our society today can we really trust? We are bombarded with deceiving advertisements, camouflaged politicians, naysayers, and empty promises. This epidemic has hit and damaged the core foundation of what our society is built on - families and relationships.
Now that you have made the decision to separate, how do you tell the children?
The early days of separation are often the most difficult, as people truly are often grieving the loss of the relationship. People also describe emotions such as blame, fear and mistrust. Telling children about the decision to separate is a delicate matter that needs to be carefully planned.
If possible, tell them with both parents present
This is important because the children may blame the parent who is not present. When children see their parents working together to have this conversation, it sends them the message that both are still their parents and that is not going to change. They can see you are working together to help them through it.
Try to keep the information about the relationship general (avoid sharing all the details with your children)
It’s essential that children not know all the details of why the separation happened as this confuses them. Telling children that adult relationships are complicated and that we have decided we will live in different houses may be enough. Try not to blame the separation on one parent, even if one person is initiating the separation.
‘I’ve always wanted something really cool like this to happen!’ That’s what I excitedly exclaimed to my ‘twenty something’ buddy as we prepared for an emergency landing into the Toronto Airport. We were thrilled to be along for the ride. We were young.
We landed without incident, but what youthful carelessness to actually revel in a dangerous moment.
Proverb says: ‘Be careful what you wish for.’ A lot of folks wish for some kind of change - in their marriage, in their jobs, where they live. When separating, or thinking of separating or negotiating the terms of your separation, be careful. Things can change. And this can apply to the parenting plan you and your ex and the negotiator put together.