Civil Holiday

Get over yourself. "It's not the time for a pity party," says Dr. Kathleen Hall.
Sure, it can be the nightmare before Christmas for families that have experienced separation or divorce, but while the holiday period can be fraught with anxiety, tension and conflict, give kids the gift of an emotionally healthy holiday.

"Don't be spoiled. Don't make it a doom and gloom event," stresses Hall, a stress expert. "Never underestimate the power of being a leader and setting a good example. You might feel miserable, but it's unfair to spoil Christmas for your kids."

The holidays must go on, say the experts, so set aside your personal feud agenda. "Let me tell you, though, that is harder than one thinks because you get the double whammy the emotions of Christmas on top of the emotions of your divorce. But it is up to the parent. Period," adds divorce expert Karen Stewart.

Stewart, founder of Fairway Divorce Solutions, stresses: "Put your kids first really first. That means keep the holidays peaceful and joyful. Do your crying behind close doors and keep a happy face even if it is acting," says Stewart. "I promise that it will make you feel better as well."

Adds Hall: "Find inexpensive ways to enjoy the holidays so you're not sitting around dwelling on things."
According to Stewart, the holidays can be merry - "even for those of you going through a divorce. These are the times to step away from your turbulent path and embrace the festivities with those you love your children, your family, your friends and, most of all, yourself." If old traditions are too difficult, start new ones "get out and about with the kids on the holiday. Rather then keep to old traditions that will just remind you of how sad, angry, scared you are, change the scenery," adds Stewart.

Don't try to recreate the holiday you had as an intact family; take the opportunity to invent a new holiday tradition with your children. "Kids can adapt amazingly well you can empower your kids with new beginnings if you are yourself empowered. Kids just want to have a great time and if that means not having the traditional Christmas they will be thankful at the end," she says, adding that going skating, baking cookies together or doing a family play and taking it around on Christmas day to all your friends' houses will keep everyone busy and your mind off self-pity. "Go and work at the shelter that will help you get out of your own pity party.
"Try to keep your mind and time occupied because, out of the blue, you could be overwhelmed with emotion, it is Christmas after all, and anyone in pain finds it a difficult time," says Stewart. "This is a chance for new beginnings and not everyone gets that chance but if you have it embrace it and be thankful. "

Expect to feel overwhelmed, but take steps to minimize the stress, says Hall, by eating properly to keep moods stabilized, and getting adequate rest and exercise. Hall says that a new study reveals that 82 per cent of those polled find the holidays extremely stressful because of the endless seasonal demands and financial pressures.
"And trying to make a new family work plus the reduced income can all be horrible stressors," she says. Teach your children how to de-stress do yoga together on the floor or spend 10 minutes of silence together daily. "Children need to learn that life is often stressful and part of life is losses, so teach them how to deal with it."

Keeping the peace
Keep the peace with these tips from Collaborative Practice:

• No "one size fits all" when it comes to parenting arrangements over the holidays be flexible and look at a variety of options.
• Sharing a special holiday in two homes on one day can be overwhelming. Give children time to adjust and cope with transitions and check in with your kids to see if this is working for them.
• Make sure shared holidays take into account the child's wishes as well as the interests of parents and extended family.
• Don't compete with one another over holiday events.
• As children get older give them some input give then a voice but not a choice. Asking children where they prefer to spend a holiday may present loyalty conflicts.
• Do not use holiday arrangements as a time to take revenge on the other parent it is your child who will suffer.
• Adds Karen Stewart of Fairway Divorce Solutions, "Do not bad mouth the other parent. Just put this habit away."
• When your child is with the other parent, let your child know you're going to be okay, so they don't worry and feel guilty spending time with the other parent.