Question: How can I minimize costs associated with divorce?

Karen: Let’s face it: Divorce is costly enough without the extortionate lawyers’ fees. During a divorce, people lose, on average, three-fourths of their personal net worth. So to answer your question about how to minimize costs associated with divorce, here is my advice: 

Be smart. Be pragmatic. And be greedy. Keeping your family’s assets in the family is hardly a crime. The long and bitter battles engendered by the traditional system of divorce destroy wealth in three ways:

1. There are the hard costs associated with divorce: legal fees, property valuations, third-party assessments, and so on.
2. The devaluation of assets as they remain tied up until a final resolution is reached is a cost for which many people fail to account for, yet it can be one of the most significant.
3. The value of assets may diminish through neglect as the responsible party’s attention is consumed by the legal chaos surrounding the divorce.

Even if you’re well versed with numbers, don’t underestimate the power of emotion to obliterate your objectivity and your common sense. Seeing your situation clearly can be difficult when you’re bogged down in the emotional fallout of your own divorce.

Take me for example. As an MBA and owner of a financial services company, I’m very astute when it comes to financial matters. Yet during my divorce I couldn’t see the forest from the trees.

In divorce, division of assets is unavoidable, but they shouldn’t be destroyed in the process. At Fairway Divorce Solutionsâ, we walk you through The Fairway Processä step by step ensuring you are an empowered decision maker. You will go through the process independent from your ex-partner and you will be given the opportunity to see your situation clearly and make fair decisions based on that clarity. As a result, both parties take part in the decision making without the malice and threats that permeate the traditional system of divorce.

Yes, emotions will run high, people will yell, and greed will try its hardest to infiltrate the negotiations. But even with all the emotional baggage, it’s possible to move quickly to a positive win-win outcome. You need to be relentless in your commitment to making it happen.

We at Fairway Divorce Solutionsâ give you the tools to achieve a clean break—financially, emotionally, and mentally—and help you divorce with dignity and move on with your life. 

Your divorce expert – Karen Stewart

Question: Why is it that just when we finally get everything we dreamed of, our marriage fails? 

Karen: For more than 17 years, I have been helping people manage their finances; in the last 4 years specifically, I have been helping divorcing couples manage their finances and children. Within these combined years (two decades in fact), people have continuously come to me saying: “Wow, we just finished building our dream home and we have everything we have worked so hard to achieve. Now our marriage is over.”  

Why? Why? Why?  It seems that perhaps the glue that holds couples together is no longer sticking.  How many times how you heard “empty nest syndrome”? This typically occurs in homes where a child(ren) move out and the parents suddenly realize how lonely they feel. There they are—mom and dad—living under the same roof with nothing in common.  

Are we just too busy raising kids and building our net worth that we do not put the needed attention into our marriages?  Or is it that we are not meant to be with that one person forever so really there was nothing different we could have done? 

Perhaps that is too philosophical for this blog. While I may have an opinion about this,  I would rather encourage you to determine the answer yourself.  I believe that there is a reason and it may serve us in our self-exploratory moments to ponder our answer. 

I think in some ways it makes sense. We may, as a couple, have been solely focused on building the new cottage/home or perhaps preparing the kids to go off to college/university. What we were focused on was what we created – “The Secret”  (inspired from the documentary)l.  Perhaps at the same time, if we were focused on ensuring that our primary love relationship had lots of communication and intimate moments then we would still have the focus of each other, even when there was no longer a focus of kids or wealth accumulation.  

But let’s face it. Time is an infinite resource and by the end of a busy day—filled with kids, driving, school, work, dinner, house work, home work, etc.—we barely have enough time for ourselves and so our prime mate gets what is left – a quiet, warm body fast asleep. 

So then why do we stay together just until we finally get it “all”?  Perhaps one answer is that there is often enough passion in the event itself to keep you preoccupied. For example, building our dream home is exciting; while it takes a lot of our personal and financial resources, it can also give us a splash of newfound energy and fulfillment.  We may perhaps not even notice a void in our relationship because we are not lacking in this passion. Then when all of a sudden we have “arrived” at the destination that we have been focusing on, we soon look for a new focus.  At this time, we may look to our spouse and realize that they were not our focus. Maybe we knew that or maybe we didn’t, but either way we now have to decide if we want them to be one of our primary focuses. 

Even when in denial at some level, we know that a successful marriage takes time and effort. We might then find ourselves faced with a huge dilemma. The person standing beside us is not the person you want to focus on! So now what?  And so here we are, back where we started. Many marriages end because couples no longer have similar focuses.  

I believe we need to ask questions and understand without judgment.  We need to make decisions that are truly and authentically right for ourselves. Everything else will fall into place, even if it does involve some short-term pain and stress.

Next entry:

Do we need the same value system to avoid divorce?

With Valentine’s Day right around the corner, it can be particularly difficult for those going through divorce or just recently divorced.   Likely, our friends that are  in relationships are busy ordering flowers, making dinner reservations and planning that special day to share with their spouse or significant other.  February 14 is coming and while we may want to pretend it does not exist – all the reminders in the malls, stores, ads on TV and news print – smack us right in the face.  As you know, I enjoy redefining how we see things by altering our perspectives to find hope and excitement with new beginnings, especially when it comes to divorce. So bring it on —- Valentine’s Day.

———-

I assume, that your typical Valentine’s Day brings up visions of romantic interludes with your “soul mate”.  This day is after all, about letting that special someone know that you care and that they still make your heart go pitter patter. It is about chocolates, flowers and special intimate moments….

BUT IT CAN ALSO BE ……

about all the others that you love and that make your heart go pitter patter - in a different way.  Think of your children, your families and your friends because they too bring joy and love to your hearts and for that they are very special Valentines..  

Of course, we all want to have that one special person - that just seems to be the way we are made. However,  when in the process of divorce or just recently out of one, we are usually not quite ready for a commitment. But we still need to find  a way to make this a positive day that we can experience with hope, peace and love.

What can we do to ensure that we move through this day in a positive way? 

Redefine its meaning. Make Valentine’s Day a day for you. Use this day to reflect and start to set your minds eye (your painted picture or vision) on what you might look for in the future.  Then greet the ones you love (children, friends and family) with a special Valentine’s just from you.  

BUT THERE ARE SO MANY QUESTIONS!

Q: I have always given my wife flowers on Valentine’s Day, but this year we are not together. Should I send her flowers or will it give the wrong impression?

A: If you have the heart to send your ex-wife flowers, then go right ahead and do it. Just don’t choose the color red (you do not want to send mix messages); choose either yellow or white, both of which provide the meaning of friendship.  Or you can send some wild flowers instead of roses.  A nice note thanking her for something that you loved about her – perhaps she was a good mother, or a good cook or a great support while you built your career or loved to do the same sport – thank her for that. Do it for yourself because there is great healing in gratitude.  Wish her the best in her new beginnings. Keep it simple. One or two lines are all you need.  

Q: How do I perhaps start attracting a new partner?  

A: First, make sure you have dealt with the issues that got you to this place.  Ask someone you love to be brutally honest. 

“Do you think I am ready?”

“Do you think I will create the same outcome all over again with someone else?”

“Do you think I will attract another Tom or Sandy?”

If their answers tell you to slow down and look into the mirror first, then do that. See a counselor or get some good self-help books. Just be good to yourself by not jumping into a relationship.  

If on the other hand you get this answer: “Yes, I think you are ready!” then that is fantastic.   However, make sure you ask someone who will tell you what you need to hear and not what you want to hear.  If you have given  yourself enough time to heal, then get ready and excited about moving on. If it is less then one year then I  caution you  - but  only you can determine how much time you need to leave your past behind you and move on with a clear focus. 

So, if I am really ready – then what?

Get comfortable with your favorite drink and spend the evening of Feb 14^th making your two “wish lists.”  The first is the list of what you are looking for in that next partner. “What do you want?” is the key question. Be authentic. Be soulful. Do not be shallow if you know what I mean.  Dig deep and be specific.  Try to come up with at least 50 points about what you want.

Then, once you are done with that list, begin the next list outlining the 50 qualities and features that you have to offer. Uh huh, now you got it. Have fun with these lists and be true to yourself.

Now put it away in a safe place and bring it out every now and then to read it.  It is amazing what happens when you put pen to paper about your authentic intentions.

Remember intention is much more powerful then attention!

Q: How do I deal with the fact that my ex is spending their night with their new lover and I have no one?

A: Ouch, isn’t it? But here is the brutal truth. You have to get over it one day and perhaps you make Valentine’s the day to commit to making it happen.  Turn your focus to your future and leave the past in the past. Perhaps pour your heart out to your journal. I know that women tend to use this method more than men, but it is so therapeutic for both – men give it a try.  You can always go for a beer with your single buddies as well. Or just have a fun night with your kids.

Q: I am recently divorced. I am smart, confident and strong. I am also alone. Please give me ideas of what I might do on this day to feel good about myself?

A: Some ideas for the recently divorced: 

• Buy your kids Valentine treats and put them on their pillows for when they go to bed or at the breakfast table. Turn the focus to the love you share with your kids. After all they are true-blue Valentines.
• Buy yourself a box of your favorite chocolates and perhaps a bottle of your favorite wine and rent a romantic movie. Treat your feminine side  or perhaps not.  Go for the testosterone hit instead -  rent a Bruce Willis  (he seems to model a pretty good new kind of family) or a if that doesn’t tickle your fancy perhaps Rocky movie might.
• Book a night out with all your single friends. I know the pickings get slim when you get older but there is always one or two.  Go for a great dinner and have some fun.
• Join a dating service either online or in person. Start getting the things rolling but only if you are ready.
• Buy some really sexy lingerie and wear it to bed. It feels good to be sexy even if you are by yourself.
• Spend the evening doing something you have really wanted to try. Perhaps cooking something gourmet or taking a kickboxing class.

 Fairway Divorce Solutions Ltd. is pleased to announce the appointment of Cameron Herold, 

former chief operating officer of 1-800-GOT-JUNK?, to the newly established position of 

Executive Vice President of Corporate Development.  

As a veteran entrepreneur, Herold will lend his expertise to drive business growth and 

franchising opportunities for Fairway Divorce Solutions throughout Canada and the 

United States. Herold will focus on Fairway’s long-term business strategy and will ensure 

Fairway maintains its position as a leading-edge alternative divorce solutions provider. 

“On behalf of the executive team, I am pleased to welcome Cameron to the role of 

executive vice-president of corporate development,” said Karen Stewart, Founder and 

CEO of Fairway Divorce Solutions. “Cameron brings more than 21 years of key 

experience in branding, business development, franchising, and strategic alliances and 

will be a great addition to the executive team. His proven track record will help execute 

Fairway’s expansion initiatives and growth opportunities moving into 2008 and beyond.”  

Prior to Fairway, Mr. Herold was a leading force behind 1-800-GOT-JUNK?’s explosive 

success, growing from a start-up in Vancouver to a franchised company in virtually every 

major city in North America and Australia. 1-800-GOT-JUNK? has also been featured in 

USA Today, The New York Times, The Wall Street Journal, Fortune, and on Oprah, Dr. 

Phil and Rachel Ray.  

Mr. Herold was also the Vice President of Corporate Development at Ubarter.com, a 900- 

person firm with a $900 Million market cap based in Seattle. From June 1998 to May 

1999, Herold served as President of Barter Business Exchange in Vancouver, and from 

October 1994 to March 1998, Herold was Vice President of Franchise Development for 

Coast-to-Coast Franchise Services (Boyd Autobody & Glass). In these positions, Herold 

was involved in the sale, branding and integration of over 120 franchise locations, 

development and deployment of e-commerce and Internet strategies, negotiation of 

corporate acquisitions and development of numerous strategic partnerships. 

The festive holidays are here and it can be a merry one, even for those of you going through a divorce. These are the times to step away from your turbulent path and embrace the festivities with those you love—your children, your family, your friends and, most of all, yourself.

Below you will find simple steps to ensure that you survive the holidays with grace, delight and peace.

1. With Family

Keep children top of mind. If you have them, make it a happy, joyous occasion with a big smile on your face. They have likely been through enough, just like you, but build this time just for them.

1. Begin New Traditions

Rather than participating in traditions that took place prior to your divorce, come up with new ideas! Enjoy turkey and all the trimmings with family and friends; or perhaps take the children on a road trip or mini-holiday; volunteer at a local homeless shelter; or craft a creative gift treasure hunt in your house or backyard. Whatever you decide, bring forth anticipation and excitement for your children.

It is important that you keep your mind and time occupied because, out of the blue, you could be overwhelmed with emotion—it is Christmas after all—and anyone in pain finds it a difficult time.

b. Perform a Family Play - One year, the kids and I did a family play that I found on the Internet and we went around all Christmas day to friends’ homes and brought cheer and performed our 15 minute play. We had fun and our friends and family loved it. And guess what? I did not have time to wallow in my pain. It turned out to be a great day for all of us.

2. With Spirit

I remember one Christmas without my kids and my ex-husband….I was not mentally and emotionally stable to go to family or have family see me. While some said to “suck it up” and go be with family, that particular holiday was just too painful. So I decided to do something just for me.

One Christmas day, I was totally alone so I planned the entire day in advance. I actually pulled out all the old albums and pictures and made scrap books. I also made a special box for my ex (in the spirit of the holiday season). Yes, I cried but it was so cleansing; and since I had about 4 big boxes to get through, it kept me busy all day and into the night. The kids came back after the holiday and I shared with them the new albums I had done and it was both gratifying and cleansing.

I also handed my ex-husband a large box of pictures for him. While he did not receive it with a smile, I felt good and the kids appreciated that their Dad would have pictures too. It turned out to be a really merry day for me.

If you do not have pictures or boxes to go through, clean your closet and get rid of old clothes and shoes; or pamper yourself in a way that makes you feel relaxed, such as reading a good book, taking a hot bath, having home spa treatments, or going skiing for the day.

Most importantly, love yourself and know whatever pain you are in, these precious moments will get easier with time.

I was there. I survived. And so will you. Happy Holidays.

Not long ago, I was speaking to a group of people about Fairway’s new divorce paradigm. Although they were unanimously excited by the idea and enthusiastically vocal that it is long overdue, they had difficulty even imagining a softer, less painful, less damaging approach to divorce. Even in these progressive times, the idea of “divorce” still packs a heck of a negative punch.

I understand first-hand because of the hard lessons learned from my own divorce through the traditional system. Though it was difficult to endure at the time, the experience of my divorce has given me a new life purpose: to help others avoid the pitfalls that shell-shocked me into a numbing inability to cope during the ordeal and prevented me from moving practically and proactively toward a solution.

To that end, I developed a solid alternative to traditional divorce—the Fairway Process™. This model recognizes that “justice” and “fairness” are not synonymous. Although the traditional system of divorce may serve the interests of justice, its outcomes are seldom fair.

Where justice penalizes, fairness fosters change.

So why should you choose Fairway Divorce Solutions? Because through this model, it is finally possible to equate “divorce” to new beginnings, new opportunities and healthy transitions.

Fairway Divorce Solutions was founded to serve four primary purposes:

• To protect children from the needless harm they suffer in traditional divorce.
• To give couples a positive, affordable and time-saving alternative to ending their relationships.
• To establish a new standard of civility and common sense for divorce in the 21st century.
• To provide a model for conflict resolution that can expand beyond the world of divorce.

If you or someone you know is exploring alternative solutions to the traditional divorce system, give us a call at (403) 260-9700, and we can help you better arm you with the tools you need to plan a divorce, finalize a divorce and move on with the Fairway Solution—a softer, less painful, less damaging approach to divorce.

P. Bradley Hunter is absolutely correct in stating that court-driven divorces are “vicious, uncivil and nasty.” However, there are not only two divorce methods available to divorcing couples in Canada, there are six.  As Mr. Hunter mentioned, there is the collaborative law method and the court system method; in addition are four other methods, including negotiation, mediation, do-it-yourself and arbitration.

On a more significant note, I have to disagree with Mr. Hunter’s statement that “collaborative law is efficient and effective”. While collaborative law is a step in the right direction, the process still involves lawyers from beginning to end. I believe lawyers only need to be present in finalizing a divorce, not planning or negotiating a divorce. Is it not the matrimonial lawyers who create chaos rather than find resolve? Collaborative law may be effective in very specific cases, but keep in mind that these cases are not the norm. In fact, many couples going through a divorce are usually good people in a bad situation looking to find a way to move through it with their bank accounts and integrity in tack.  

As an alternative divorce solution provider and financial advisor, I can state unequivocally that a “civil” divorce is possible with a lawyer only present at the end. Alternative divorce solutions like the one I offer are innovative in reducing costs, reducing time, reducing stress and, most importantly, sparing the children. Civilizing divorce can only come from change—beginning with offering solutions that are outside the practice of law.

Question: What is the difference between Fairway Divorce Solutions and the traditional divorce solution?

Answer: The traditional way, by definition, implies each party hires a lawyer who fights for the best outcome for their client. The lawyers create a win-lose scenario that uses power and scare tactics to bring the other side to their knees. Quite often lawyers will not settle and you will be at the mercy of the courts where the judge will make the final decision. I am not telling you anything you do not know.

Fairway Divorce Solutions offers divorcing clients an alternative way to move through divorce and transition to a new beginning.

Divorcing couples mutually engage Fairway for a predetermined flat fee to take them step-by-step through a process that brings resolution on all issues of divorce in roughly 120 days. The Fair Way Process^TM uses the Fairway Independently Negotiated Resolution™, methodology which empowers people going through divorce to come to negotiated consensus by way of informed decision making. Trained negotiators and financial experts facilitate the process and bring consensus without the couples having to be in the same room. The process addresses issues in a methodical, strategic way so the parties know exactly where they are in the process and where they are going. At the end of the process, when consensus has been achieved on all issues, the Fairway Negotiated Resolution Plan™ is forwarded to an independent lawyer to draft and finalize.

If you would like more information about the Fair Way Process™, please feel free to call us at (403) 269-9700.

The wait is finally over. John Wiley & Sons, Ltd., a global book publishing company, signed a book deal for my first breakthrough novel, Clean Break: How to End Your Marriage and Move On with Your Life.

According to Wiley, my book will hit stores spring of 2008. Please stay tuned!

I can barely contain my excitement. First, the success of Fairway Divorce Solutions and my divorce paradigm. Now this book deal. I am so grateful for the opportunity to bring Clean Break to the forefront of divorcing families and couples across North America.

All the more, I am grateful for the blessings of those who have supported me. To my children, my family and friends, this is all happening because of you.

For more information about the Clean Break book deal, please click HERE.

Thank you,

Karen Stewart (formerly Miles)

P.S. Please look out for my first Q&A entry: What is the difference between Fairway Divorce Solutions and the traditional divorce solution?

If you are reading this, you are seeking more answers about divorce, about alternative solutions about Fairway Divorce, or about all subjects aforementioned. You and many others share this similar mindset and I welcome you to fairwaydivorce.com and my new blog.

Since the launch of Fairway Divorce, I have met couples from all walks of life and the one thing they all commonly share is their fear of divorce and, more so, their fear of the unknown. I was in their very shoes once before and I know this fear all too well, which prompted me to begin this open-dialogue blog. While I may not be able to help capture all the answers you are looking for, I want to help prepare you, your friend, your sibling or your parents for the landscape that lies ahead.

Some topics for my blog entries include divorce planning, money matters, the legal and emotional landscape, frequently asked questions surrounding divorce (i.e., What are my options for divorce? What if I can’t afford a divorce? How do we prepare our children for divorce? Etc.), and rebuilding after divorce.

Every two weeks, I will publish a Q&A blog entry where I will address a frequently asked question. I encourage you to tell me your thoughts, opinions or ask me questions in response. My next entry will be published shortly so please stay tuned.

Divorce—it doesn’t happen to everyone, but it happens. So this is my chance to tell you how to break clean, rebuild and move on.

Thank you,

Karen Stewart (formerly Miles)