Fairway Divorce Solutions

Saskatoon is the second-most cheater friendly city in Canada?

The highly controversial dating website AshleyMadison.com has put out their per capita numbers for their site and apparently, Saskatoon ranks in at number 2 of the cheater-friendly cities of Canada.   AshleyMadison.com is a site that encourages adultery through online dating and is apparently making a big splash in the western Canadian market.

I am sure that Canadian viewers were a bit dumbfounded by these numbers being that Saskatoon is known as a wholesome, conservative small city.  Who knew that the community was up to what some would consider socially deviant behavior?   As this came as such a shock I had to ask myself... why?

The answer came very clearly after speaking to Sharon Fertuck with Fairway Divorce Solutions in Saskatoon, who's own husband has worked out of town in the mines for 20 years.  "When your significant other spends weeks and sometimes even months away from home, it can put a strain on any marriage.  I was one of the lucky ones to avoid that situation and now my husband works local which is a big relief for the family", Sharon comments.

After speaking to Sharon the pieces fell together that yes, Saskatoon is a mining city, and is becoming more highly involved in the Oil & Gas industry.  This leaves many couples separated for weeks at a time which can put a strain on any relationship.  I know the old saying goes "distance makes the heart grow stronger" but I am more confident suggesting that "distance makes the heart wonder".   With that much time apart it is only a matter of time before AshleyMadison.com is in your browser history.

Saskatoon has also witnessed an increase in wealth in the last few years which could absolutely cause some insecurities in a marriage.  "More money, more problems" as they say.  With all the economic growth and positive things happening in the Saskatoon area, the messy tends to follow.  If you find yourself becoming a victim to AshleyMadison.com<http://AshleyMadison.com> reaping havoc in your relationship and there is no chance for reconciliation, Fairway can reduce your stress by working with you independently of your spouse.  Fairway does not promote divorce, but they do promote a fair approach that cause less stress and destructive behavior throughout the process.  

To find out more visit: Calgary Sun

With a site like AshleyMadison.com who needs enemies?

As a proud Calgarian I was shocked and a bit nervous to find out today that Calgary is the third most cheater friendly city in Canada.  After doing some research on AshleyMadison.com, the infamous website for non-singles who are looking to hook up outside their relationships, my nervousness was confirmed.   With a slogan of "Life is short.  Have an affair.®" I can only imagine the kind of mischief this site brings into the bedrooms and homes of our friendly neighborhoods.  With a site like this - who needs enemies?

At Fairway Divorce Solutions we are consistently faced with the backlash of spouses scorn by the "other" lover.   As this is a common situation we have come to understand that there are two sides to every story and what may seem to the public eye to be "bad" may not be so black and white.

What is "bad" to one person may be socially acceptable to another.  If society focused on what the majorities considered to be right or wrong, then we would be living in an age where divorce was still considered "bad".  But luckily for many couples now divorce is just "considered" as an event in their lives.  It does not need to define their lives.

With Calgary being the third highest on the infidelity list on AshleyMadison.com I can only analyze the situation to say that if what happens behind closed doors spills out onto the streets of our friendly city, I can expect that our phones will continue to ring.  

How can you keep your Dignity intact when your Divorce is on TV?

Kris Humphries doesn’t want a penny from Kim Kardashian because he claims the marriage was a fraud.

Was the marriage used to increase ratings?  Was it all just a strategic business move to collect an ROI on the $17 million wedding day?  Well Kris sure thinks so, and it seems that America agrees.  

In the latest news, it appears that all Kris wants is for Kim to admit the marriage was a fraud for capital gain.  In order to prove his point he would like to show the latest season of the reality show in the courtroom.  Their marriage was obviously a circus with a high admission fee, but bringing the reality show into the courtroom is a sideshow that is wasting the court system’s (tax payers) time and dollars.  As there is no high settlement being demanded from Kris, I say he leaves the reality scene with his dignity in tact and tries to be the bigger person.  

It is difficult to keep a hold of your dignity in any marital breakdown.  Having the last word becomes such a driver yet individuals need to overcome this revengefulness and get to an agreement.  Or it will cost them greatly.  Having the last word is not all it is cracked up to be and so let go before you waste a ton of money trying to prove you are right and your spouse is wrong.  The bottom line – no one really cares and your hopes of vindication are short sighted. What’s important is to move forward feeling empowered and self confident about your future.  Do not allow yourself to become the lesser version of you.

If I were to give Kris one piece of advice - it would be - move on now!  Put the Kardashian’s behind you.

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“You Don’t Bring Me Flowers Anymore – The Theme Song of those Separated and Divorced on Valentine’s Day”

Many of us may remember Neil Diamond and Barbra Streisand singing this song in the late 70’s and early 80’s. I remembered thinking then how sad it was when people remember with nostalgia the way things were between their partner or spouse and what it is now that they have parted. As Valentine’s Day approaches this song came to mind again for all those people who are separated or divorced who will not be receiving “flowers anymore”. With almost 50% of marriages ending in divorce in North America that’s a lot of people. That statistic does not even include those people who are just separated and have not filed for divorce or common law couples who are now separated.

There will be many dreading this Valentine’s Day as not only will they be constantly reminded of what “It used to be…” but it also will emphasize a feeling of lack. I don’t just mean a lack of flowers, chocolates, intimacy or “singing of love songs”.  I mean a lack of “love” and feeling loved.  It is bad enough having to deal with the emotional stress of separation and divorce without it being in your face as it is on this day.

Does that mean those that are happy and in love should not celebrate that love because someone else may feel bad? Of course not. It means that those that are not in love don’t have to hide or stand on the sidelines.

There is a major turning point in this “theme song” by Diamond and Streisand.

“But used-to-bes don’t count anymore

They just lay on the floor

Till we sweep them away”

That’s the cue – yesterday does not count anymore so get that broom out.

Valentine’s Day is about love. Period. That love can include your friends, your family, your children and YOU. One of the biggest things separated and divorced people need to do is to learn to love themselves again or perhaps for the first time in their lives if they were major co-dependents. There is a huge difference between selfish love and loving yourself. Selfish love may have got you where you are today – thinking about what you wanted to do, the way you wanted to do it and getting things in your life with no or little regard for the feelings of your spouse or partner. Loving yourself - is about learning who you are inside and the kind of person you want to be and the kind of life you may be wanting now because what you pursued before did not work out. It is about learning to love the real you, and saying that I am worth loving. When you can love yourself then that is when another person will also be able to love you again.

So now that you have “swept the floor” what can you do?

Let’s start with your kids. This is a great day to really show that love as you help them make ready their valentine’s for school. Make a hand made one for each of your kids and have them make one for you their siblings and yes even the other parent. It will show them that love means forgiveness and understanding even if the other person hurt you. Because you know what - you may have hurt your kids during this tough time too. Bake a heart shaped cake and decorate it with 300 chocolate kisses. Or make a giant Valentine’s cookie gram. My kids loved that.

Treat yourself with something that will make you feel good about yourself, will make you laugh, make you smile, or to just be you. Go buy yourself those flowers or those chocolates, or book. Go to the spa, or go to the motorcycle show or hockey game. You deserve it.

Love is about giving. So give of yourself. Volunteering makes us feel good about ourselves and often we get more back than we give especially if it comes genuinely from the heart. Volunteering is a great way to get out “of the used-to-bes” playing in your head and into your heart. When you are able to give to those less fortunate than you, it is a wonderful reminder to be grateful for all that you do have in life.

Lastly don’t choose to be alone. Be with a friend or a member of the family. Be with others who are also thinking about those flowers they don’t get anymore. Not to commiserate but to celebrate love for self and all that is good in you. Sharing time with someone is the greatest gift of love of friendship and family you can give or receive. For those who feel more venturesome and have had sufficient healing – get out your dancing shoes and go dancing with some friends and meet new ones.

Don’t end your song with “You don’t bring me flowers anymore” as Neil and Barbra do. That is living in the past. Create your new song by living in the present appreciating “you”.

Who said you had to wait till February 14? Start today!

Mary Krauel
Owner/Senior Negotiator
Fairway Divorce Solutions Mississauga
1020 Johnson’s Lane, Unit A3,
Mississauga, ON, L5J 2P7
905-267-2175
www.Mississauga.FairwayDivorce.com

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The fact that Bill 16, Family Law Act has been passed is a sign that the traditional system needed reform. The new act addresses some of the fundamental problems in the system and we look optimistically to the impact it has on divorce with children and families in general.  I do not think anyone can argue or dispute the massive amount of destruction to assets and children that has occurred in our adversarial system. The courts have been needlessly backlogged with mindless arguments and position bargaining about issues that simply do not belong in front of our Judges.

Couples using our expensive courtroom resources to fight their personal battles has to come to an end.  This is a step in the right direction.  The new Act steers couples towards divorce mediation, which is obviously music to Fairway Divorce Solutions’ ears but more importantly it is clearly in the best interest of children and their parents and it will also save a ton of wasted taxpayers money at the same time.  The unfortunate reality of our system is that those who really need a Judges intervention often do not get heard “in time”.  We do not need to look much past our front pages of the newspaper to read of the tragedy of families that were “lost” in our system.

I personally admire the BC attorney general for the initiative and I look forward to other provinces getting on board.  If we can save one child from the tragic outcome created because of our system and if we can start to empower children of divorce to move through their parents divorce without emotional harm – then we can start to change the way divorce happens.  The new Act focuses primarily on the well being of the children and I am hopeful that this agenda will create greater accountability within the system as it is long overdue.

Finding yourself on the doorsteps of divorce is hard enough emotionally but add the multitude of decisions on how to divorce that are going to have to be made and it can feel completely overwhelming. While there are only two main areas for decision-making; kids and money, coming to resolution can take years and use up a lot of your hard earned wealth.  While there is more of a trend towards divorce mediation, many people still feel the need to hire top guns with the perception that their "rights" will be better attended served.  In many cases on the pursuit of one's "rights", "best deal" or "win", the cost associated with an unpredictable outcome does not justify the time or the means.

On the continuum of resolving divorce issues, on one end is Litigation and the other end, Mediation. Moving from one spectrum to the other you might find, arbitration, collaborative law, interest based mediation, and other hybrids all worthy of consideration. While there may be the perception that litigation is in fact "taking control" the opposite is usually true. The reality is that retaining a family lawyer for litigation sets in motion a series of applications, affidavits, court appearances that destroys assets and relationships. Litigation is prudent in some cases where the parties have pursued every other means to resolve their issues with no success. While the outcome with litigation may be "just" in the face of the law, it is often not "fair". The judge has to use the information put forth by the lawyers and in the affidavits with the assumption that both parties are being truthful.  We know this simply is not the case. Take for example, where one party is basically telling the truth and the other is not, the outcome will likely be somewhere in the middle as there is simply not enough time or resources to achieve the real picture. To seek litigation to either prove your point, make the other person pay or to assume the outcome will be a win for you is unfortunately naive.

It is best that you and your spouse make the final decisions about money and kids, regardless of whether you get along or not. Ensuring you are an empowered decision maker with financial and co-parenting knowledge is the best recipe for success.  New mediation models like "Independently Negotiated Resolution" are process and results driven and ensure that both parties are well equipped to make decisions. While mediation has been traditionally thought of for only amicable couples, new innovated models can achieve resolution for conflicted families as well. The key is to keep your assets in your pockets and preserve relationships.

Divorce does not need to define you but how you choice to move through it can. The old antage - Fail to plan - plan to fail is rite with wisdom.  While finding yourself on the door steps of divorce may not have been your plan - you can start taking charge. Set the course and commit to take control of the things you can and manage the things you can't. There  is light at the end of the tunnel and if you embrace the lessons, the light will shine bright.

Tips to set the course and stay the course

Accept the Ending
Denial is a fear based reaction to adversity that prevents you from seeing, feeling and accepting the truth thus prolonging the journey through pain .  Endings are difficult and there is no ending more heart wrenching then a marriage. Men some times feel the need to be "right". The problem is that when two people divorce, history is rewritten by the parties and the filter we use to look back over our time together is a completely different filter then the one we used when we were married.  At the doorsteps of divorce, the parties may have an entirely different perception of the exactly same marriage. Men particularly struggle with this disconnect and yet trying to change it will only result in much frustration and further delusion. She sees it differently and you will just have to get over it.

Embrace the Feelings
Dads words "be brave, suck it up or stop the tears" does nothing to help you transition from the past. Men are certainly more open today then before with regards to their introspection and feelings but we still have some way to go. Seeking counseling at the time of the divorce makes sense. The good news is that men are becoming more open to the concept of  "talking it out" and they are finding the rewards that do go with this kind of catharsis.

Engage the right party and methodology for moving through divorce
There are many ways to move through the actual divorce process but making the right decision at the beginning can mean the difference between months/years of expensive, stressful chaos or empowered analytical timely resolution.  Avoid at all costs the more adversarial legal separation process of affidavits and court appearances as  you will lose - it is only a matter of how much.  Do not fall into the trap of thinking that the courts will give you vindication. Look for other alternatives that both ensure you make sound decisions based on the law and that move you through a process that reduces time and cost.  Do your research and discuss the options with your soon to be ex.

Protect your children and the ability for positive co-parenting
Never under any circumstance bad mouth the mother of your children. Whether you like it or not they are half her and when there are harsh words of any kind about her - you are telling them that half of them is not OK.  Is this common sense?  Yes - but in reality, this is a very difficult promise to keep as we get caught off guard with our feelings and we react with our words. If this happens then apologize immediately to your children. You can certainly explain that this is a stressful time for you and that perhaps you may say things but that you are sorry for and that you will endeavor to not slip up again. Knowing you are human and that you make mistakes but also that you are accountable when you do, will actually help to build the self esteem of your kids and give them a great life lesson.  Tell them you love them often and that your marriage breakdown has nothing to do with them.

Put together a Parenting Plan with your Ex Wife
There is nothing more important then your children and the ability for them to move forward with both parents in an empowering way.  How you choose to move through your divorce will set the stage for the future and the ability for your ex and you to co-parent. You certainly do not need to be friends but you do need to be mutually respectful. Remember that the only person you have control of is yourself. If you partner is behaving badly that should have no bearing on your behavior. Research shows that children need at least one stable parent/guardian and so if that has to be you then so be it . Get over what she says or does not say about you and focus on being the best you can be as an ex husband, co-parent and parent.  A co-parenting plan that sets out how, what, where and when with regards to the children will make life a lot easier for everyone - especially your children.

Be financially prudent
The Divorce Laws in Canada/Alberta set out that matrimonial property is split 50/50. Do not fool yourself that while the  "letter of the law"  may appear black and white you can easily  spend years in a court battle over what is really very grey. Do not think for a minute that because it appears so obvious to you that a Judge or your wife's lawyer will see it that way. Many a fool has spend hundreds of thousands of dollars and years trying to prove that their math is the right math to only find out that there are many ways of solving the same problem and perception is everything.  Our system may be Just but it is not always Fair.   Decide at the outset that your hard earned wealth should be divided in two and not in thirds or worst.  Seek out negotiators or mediators with a strong financial acumen so that while you split the pie today your decisions maximize your wealth for tomorrow.

And lastly Embrace the Journey as Everything Happens for a Reason.

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Those were the harsh words I heard 10 years ago just before 9/11. Sept 11 marks the day the towers came down and with that the chaos and pain that followed.  For me it marks not only the global nightmare but also the time that my personal walls came crashing down.  After 8 years of what I thought was a good marriage my husband announced to me "I just did not do it for him anymore". At that time we had three young children, 7, 5 and 3 months and so the reality of divorce with children was simply devastating to fathom.

My life at 9/11 took a turn that I did not see coming nor ever contemplated. From that moment on I had to re-write what I thought my future was going to look like and also to come to grips with the false sense of security I had in the past. I remember feeling the incredibly synchronicity between what was happening in New York and what was happening to my life.  Now 10 years later, those who were touched personally by 9/11 are in a different place then they would have been without their loss.  While time does heal wounds, hopefully there have been some miracles and blessings that have come out of the pain and chaos. The murderous terrorist is gone but the scares he has left on thousands of people remains.

I remember believing in my heart that if I was going to have to suffer the pain associated with my husband's infidelity and the ending of my marriage - that it was not going to be in vain.  I trusted that out of this difficult life event, there would be light at the end of the tunnel.  I felt like a victim but I know that to move forward and rebuild my life I had chose the path of empowerment versus victimization.  I had to trust that out of the ashes of my marriage would come many gifts.  Looking back, I have gratitude for my learning's.  I have confidence that I can handle what comes my way and I know that while life throws us some pretty difficult curve balls that we can in fact be better for it. Today I am grateful for my husband's words as they set me free from a marriage that would likely have destroyed my self-esteem over time. I was able to move on create lemonade out of lemons.

My hope is that for those victims of 9/11 that they too have found a way to move on, embrace the past and have gratitude for the blessing that they have in their life today.

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Most will agree that being friends after a relationship is difficult as the question of ulterior motive and resentment can hover in the clouds.  If friendship is in the cards it requires clear boundaries, a very understanding new partner and an ability of both parties to take responsibility and be accountable to the outcome of their relationship. The truth is that if two people who once were lovers can be friends there can be a comfortable and enduring trust that can serve to help lay the foundation for new relationships and the future.  There is really not that much difference if the relationship was one of cohabitation, marriage or simply a long term partnership when it comes to the matters of the heart.

The additional pain of divorce however, is associated with the loss of family, assets and the children, which often results in conflict therefore making friendship very difficult.  Children want first and foremost for their parents to remain married and if they can not have that then friendship is a second best. Unfortunately remaining friends is easier said then done in that there is usually a lot of baggage with regards to the divorce process itself.  In addition, establishing clear boundaries when there is so much history is challenging.  Friendship is a relationship built on trust, like-ability, integrity and kindness and for many divorced couples there is little left in these departments. So perhaps the better way to frame an optimum outcome post divorce relationship that is in the best interest of the children and the parents is one based on mutual respect. Respect does not mean, like, nor agree with, nor want to spend time with, but rather it is based on a mutual understanding of ones differences in actions, choices, value systems etc.  A post divorce co-parenting relationship based on respect is in everyone's best interest and serves to help empower both the parents and the children by demonstrating that while differences may not be able to live together, they can still hold each other in high regard and esteem - perhaps providing the children with a lesson that will serve them well their entire life.

Balance Needs VS Wants

There is a ton of pier pressure around back to school clothing and supplies.  Make a list of their “needs” and agree that the children will get one or two of their “wants” met and then allocate a set dollar amount that they are free to spend.

Set Budget in Advance of Shopping

Before you venture into any store with the wondering eyes of your children set a non-negotiable budget.  This is not just for their purposes but it is to keep Mom and Dad from caving into those pleading eyes.

Make a detailed list before you hit the stores

We know we should not go grocery shopping when we are hungry and the same rule applies when taking the kids for “back to school” shopping.   Way too many temptations for even the strong willed.

Set Budget for extracurricular activities before you sign up

After school activities are an important part of a child’s development and while we want them to be involved, we need to balance activities with our ability to pay. Set a budget per child that covers lessons, equipment etc and then engage in a conversation with them and the other parent about allocation of resources before you sign them up.   Kids will also take more ownership of their schedule this way as well.

Empower kids financially

We give children an allowance for “extra” things but consider providing them enough money so that they can learn to budget for the things they need as well.  One of the big stresses in divorced families is the loss/damage of things that go back and forth.  If starting around age 11, your child is responsible for their clothing budget then they will take ownership and amazingly - things all of a sudden do not seem to go missing.