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Are You Confused Yet?

How many times do we make decisions, sign documents, and realize afterward that we only had part of the information needed to make informed decisions?  The ‘should haves’, ‘would haves’, ‘oh if I only knew then what I know now’ can leave us frustrated and full of regret.  No event can bring these issues to the forefront more than divorce.

January is the month where more people initiate a divorce than any other month of the year. But making the decision to divorce and actually arriving at closure on the issues can be a long and daunting journey.

Child support, spousal support, valuation date, custody, Section 7 extraordinary expenses, pro rata income, access, assets, liabilities, equalization of net family property. Are you pulling your hair out yet? And don’t forget the information and advice that comes from co-workers, neighbours, family and friends.  Well, you can always go on the internet. If you don’t mind spending hours and hours reading and researching only to be more confused than when you started. Can’t someone just talk in plain English? Why isn’t there one simple answer?

The good news is that there are more information services available today than ever before. The bad news – there is more information available than ever before and it can become overwhelming.

If you are interested, our team has been busy planning for several initiatives that will help make sense of this very confusing time. We have lined up several events this month to help people get the right information.

January 20 – 1:00 The Gary Doyle Show on 570 News.
Divorce guru and Fairway Divorce CEO Karen Stewart will be live on the air to talk about divorce and how Fairway is Changing the Way Divorce Happens™.
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January 22 – 12:00 Ask the Expert on 570 News with Dave Callander.
Karen Stewart, Colette Fortin (oh that’s me) and lawyer Jennifer Breithaupt provide an in depth look at alternatives to the traditional divorce model.

January 25 – 7:00 pm – 9:00 pm
International Changing the Way Divorce Happens Information Seminar
We’ve taken the confusion out and simplified the information into the top 10 things you need to know about divorce. The seminar is in plain English. No more legal jargon.  Real people, experts in all aspects of divorce will share with you the most important things you need to know. (Register on this site or call the office 519-954-6240)

Educating yourself is the best way to move forward in the journey.   

So tune in, sign up, log in and get informed!

When we are faced with a divorce we think about two primary issues, money and kids.  While there is lots of advice about both, our children and parenting seem to be the area that causes the most pain and yet is often left with much less concrete plans.  

While ending a marriage is hard enough, having children involved makes it worse. We struggle with having to make life-impacting decisions when we are in one of the most difficult, emotional times of our lives.   This leaves us very vulnerable on many levels and we can overlook taking care of parenting details.

When it comes to money we tend to want our I’s dotted and T’s crossed.  This makes good sense of course, but we often leave the issues around parenting more vague which can be a recipe for disaster and stress.   When you read most final divorce/separation agreements, the issues around money are usually very specific and yet there is often only a paragraph or two that sets out the terms around the children.  “Joint custody with residential care” usually sets the stage for a few general guidelines and rules.  Seldom do we see a very meticulous and detailed parenting plan.  Taking the time to create a comprehensive parenting plan is the formula for creating peace and success in parenting and a must do even for those couples who get along.

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Did it foreshadow what was to come?

War of the Roses is a movie starring Michael Douglas, Kathleen Turner and Danny DeVito.  It is a black comedy about a seemingly wealthy couple whose marriage is unraveling.  Material possessions become the center of a crazy and bitter divorce battle.   At the time, people thought the movie was outrageous.  Was it possible for anyone to act that crazy? Anyone who watched it thought it was over the top and that the characters’ behavior and events were nothing like reality.  

In 1989, when the movie was released, we did not really talk about divorce. Divorce was a dirty word that was reserved for the few who could not get their act together in marriage and so had to endure the bitter ending.  While divorce was certainly around, it was not as prevalent as it is today. Think back to your neighborhood at the time.  Perhaps there was one divorced couple every few blocks, certainly not in every second household. Children of divorce were the minority at the schools and were looked upon with a certain amount of pity.  Yet here we are today with statistics reaching upwards of a 50% divorce rate and the traditional family is almost the minority in the schools.

You may wonder, “Did ‘War of the Roses’ foreshadow what was to come?”  For any of you who might follow or believe in some of the teachings from “The Secret” (where you create what you visualize and focus on), you might think that perhaps the creators of this movie had a glimpse into our future.  Or, perhaps by creating this movie they actually affected the future.

It was over 20 years ago that I last saw this movie and I was curious to watch it again and see how my perspective had changed.  What seemed outrageous back then, seems unfortunately quite commonplace today.  The divorce stories we hear and see in the news are in many ways worse than they were portrayed in this movie.   We judged both the characters in the movie as selfish, horrible, human beings who quite frankly deserved their bitter endings when the chandelier came crashing down on them.  Unfortunately, I have personally witnessed what starts out amicable, erupts into an insane dispute within weeks.   Most divorcing couples do not have the intent of the complete destruction of assets and lives when they decide to end their marriage but with a few spiteful words, affidavits and damaging legal petitions and correspondence – all goes to pot.    Is there a formula to prevent this? Perhaps the best way is to not be naive.  Know that everyone, regardless of how kind hearted they may be, can show a scary shadow side when in a divorce.  We all have this side and are therefore vulnerable to some degree. Talk about your vulnerability openly with your soon to be ex and both commit to doing whatever you can to ensure that you move through divorce in a way that minimizes this kind of outcome and avoid large hanging chandeliers!  

Thriving through the Holidays: A guide for Divorcing Couples

The holidays can be stressful at the best of times. Shopping, decorating, baking, year-end work deadlines, kids concerts, work parties, scheduling, gift-wrapping, family obligations! Are you exhausted yet? It’s a wonder we don’t all do what Vince Vaughn and Reese Witherspoon did in the movie Four Christmases and just bail out of the whole thing. So how do you manage through the holidays when you add divorce to the equation? Well there are some things you can do to help ease the stress load. And I’m all for reducing stress in our lives!

If you have kids:

• Meet with your former spouse and plan a schedule. Don’t wait until the last minute. Work out the details (be specific). Post it on the fridge so the kids know what to expect.
• Try not to shuffle them back and forth. This may be the year where you cut back on Aunt Minnie’s celebration and just keep it simple. Besides, would you want to eat 3 turkey dinners within a 2-day period? This is your opportunity to participate in the functions YOU want to.
• When it comes to gift giving, the new toys belong to the kids, not you. Let them bring the toys with them when they go to mom’s or dad’s. Maybe after the novelty has worn off you can work out a deal that some toys stay at your house. But in the beginning, let them take what they want when they travel. It’s tough enough for kids to shuffle back and forth. Be glad that they love the gift you bought them so much that they want to take it with them wherever they go.
• So the kids won’t be with you until the 26th or 27th? This is great! Permission NOT to cook a turkey! Involve the kids in the menu planning. Kids love finger foods, fondues, make your own kind of stuff. And you don’t have to spend the day in the kitchen alone, stuffing, basting, carving birdzilla only to be left eating turkey pot pie until February. It’s a chance to start new traditions that can be fun!

What about when I’m alone?

Being alone on holidays can be very stressful and sad, especially if this is your first year. So how do you deal with that? Well if you don’t have family near by, lean on your friends. You’ve been there for them many times, just be honest and tell them you don’t want to be alone. Chances are they’ve been thinking about you but don’t want to invade your space.

If you have the budget and time for it, check out last minute deals to warm destinations. Nobody usually flies on Christmas Day and there can be some pretty good deals out there. After the last month of crisp weather, a couple of days on a warm beach could be pretty inviting.

Pamper yourself. Our lives are full of obligations, have tos, should dos, deadlines and responsibilities. We rarely take time to do what WE want. When was the last time someone said you have 2 days with no one to be accountable to or for. No obligations! Rent movies and have a PJ day, buy a good book and read all day, go to the movies, cook the food YOU want (no chicken nuggets please).

So, the holidays can be a lonely time. Make plans, take care of yourself and remember, there is a light at the end of the tunnel.

www.waterloowellington.fairwaydivorce.com

Dreading the Holiday season because you are in the middle of a divorce? Your “thoughts” will determine whether you and your children have a good or bad Holiday season

The Holidays are a time for joy and gratitude, but for those in the process of divorce, the season can be very daunting.  The good news is that you can make the most of your Holidays and have fun if you work on changing your perspective.

We often forget that the only thing we have real control of is our thoughts, and our thoughts effect our emotions and actions and thus our well-being. Certainly easier said than done, but there is no time like the Holidays to challenge your negative thought patterns.  So much research has been done recently that points to the fact that our thoughts control our lives.  This would imply that regardless of what we are experiencing, if we can control our negative thoughts and replace them with positive thoughts, our lives will transform in front of us. Let’s take some common negative thoughts during the Holidays and contrast them with a corresponding positive thought:

1.    I do not know what I am going to do without my kids during the Holidays; I cannot bear the thought of them not being with me. They are going to suffer and so am I.

Versus

I know it is going to be different this year as I do not have my kids all the time, but this will give me an opportunity to do other things that I never have time for.  Perhaps I will spend more time with friends or read that book I have wanted to read, or spend a day alone or at the spa. My children also have an opportunity to experience something different and they will have their other parent all to themselves and that will hopefully provide some bonding that they otherwise may not have when I am around.

2.    I cannot believe I am in this rotten situation and if it was not for his/her bad behaviour we would still be a family. It is not fair that I am punished over the Holiday season by not having my children the entire time because I did not want this in the first place. He/she should be the one to suffer through the Holidays – not me.  It is going to be horrible.

Versus

I trust that this is all meant to be and that while I am feeling a bit sad and scared, this is for the best – even if I cannot see that now. I will miss my kids but I look forward to spending some time just getting to know me better. I am going to do the things I never get a chance to do and perhaps give myself a present that makes me feel special. I trust that my children will flourish because of this, not in spite of it, and I believe that they will all be just fine.

In addition to replacing your negative thoughts with positive ones, it is essential to take the time now to plan in advance for the Holiday season. Fill your days up because it is easier to change your thought patterns when you are active/busy, and force yourself to find at least five things to be grateful for each day and either say them or write them down. 

Be the best you can be, which includes thinking positively, being a good leader and putting the kids first; all of this will help to keep the Holidays peaceful and joyful.

What is up with all the short-term marriages these days?  Is it that we get so addicted to those feelings of lust that we have lost touch with the real meaning of love? Or is it that we need to totally redefine marriage as a short-term journey meant to end when we just feel like it? The answer clearly is not one everyone would agree on but perhaps we need to start asking the big question.  Is traditional marriage outdated?

A day does not seem to pass without another Hollywood marriage hitting the rocks.  Ryan Reynolds and Scarlett Johansson, Eva Longoria and Tony Parker, Christina Aguilera and Jordan Bratman, to name just a few who are reportedly divorcing.   Of course, these examples are of famous people, not your average Joe Blow in suburbia.  It’s not the same; or is it? Certainly, in your average neighborhood, relationships are dropping like flies and there is no rich and sexy movie star involved.  Perhaps it is the standard cultural expectation?   

We could spend much time deliberating on the whys but lets speculate for a minute. Perhaps these quick endings have as much to do with the beginnings as anything else. Not to shove old fashion values down anyone’s throat but what about the more traditional steps of courting; dating and getting to know each other, emotional attachment (falling in love), commitment and then sex!   Easier said than done when hormones are hot and heavy, but after much personal and work experience, I think there is something to these outdated/old fashion steps.  Take “values” out of it and just focus on common sense.  Sex releases hormones that trick you into thinking lust is love --- leading to can’t get enough of you – leading to marriage – leading to reduced feeling of lust – leading to the real you/them  - leading to OMG what I have got myself into – leading to the big D.  So perhaps this advice might not be a crazy and old fashioned as you may think.

So next time, stay out of the bedroom until there is commitment and love and avoid the Fast Food Marriage/Divorce.  

What happens to step children when the big D (Divorce) hits?

Everyone knows that divorce is more complicated and has potentially harsher consequences when children are involved. We have seen a lot of research and information with regards to the impact of divorce on kids and how the behaviour of their parents matters big time, but what about step-children – what happens to them when a parent and step-parent divorce? 

This is one area that is constantly overlooked, yet needs to be addressed. Second and third marriages have a higher chance of ending in divorce and blended families rank at the top for risk of failure. These children of blended families are left with a legacy of two broken homes.  While we know with certainty that children benefit greatly by the involvement of both parents regardless of whether they are married to each other or not, we know little about step-children. Research shows over and over again that a positive relationship with parents will boost self-esteem and results in a more well-balanced, happy child.  Children deserve a relationship with both mom and dad. Unfortunately we really do not know at this time how important the step-parent relationship is. Clearly if the relationship is filled with stress and hostility then breaking ties is likely quite easy and probably best. But what happens when the step-parent has a strong bond with the child(ren), and regardless of the adult relationship, wishes to continue the relationship with their step child(ren). 

If the child is a bit older and reasonably mature, then letting them decide if they would like to carry on the relationship is a good idea. The parents should also work together to create some boundaries and timing for outings.  If the relationship between the parents is negative, then it is best to cut all ties at least until the parents can get their act together.  Do not get caught in the thinking “he/she left us.”  Wrong – he/she left you. Do not attribute the problem to the children.  You might be thinking that in fact it was because of or due to a blended family and kids. There is no question that blended families add an entire new level of complexity and potential trauma to families but make no mistake about it – adults are responsible for how they deal with it regardless of the stressors.  Blaming the “blended” family is a cop out.  Remember when making this kind of important decision for your child(ren) that the more people they have in their life that can act as a positive role model and who love (healthy love) them – the better.

It is hard not to admire the most recent Hollywood example of blended families woos – Sandra Bullock and her relentless desire to continue a relationship with her step daughter.  As much as she was pained by her marriage ending, she managed to put aside all the anger and hurt and focus on the child. Her actions speak loud and clear to her ability to set aside her issues and perspective and focus on the child.  Hats off to her ex Jesse James too, because at the end of the day – he could have said “no way” but he had enough introspection and love to do what was right for his daughter. It will be interesting to see how that unfolds and what it can further tell us about step parenting and divorce. In the mean time – always do your best and what is in the best interest of the kids regardless of how you feel about your most recent ex.
 

I often get asked questions like “My ex is crazy, she/he is a psycho, has borderline personality disorder and will not abide by the court order.  I am at my wits end and I do not know what to do.  I am getting eaten up inside...” or something similar to this. The bottom line is: this is hurting the kids.  I will respond to them but he or she may not like what I have to say.  Sometimes the truth sucks.

Contracts are only as good as the people behind them so if you are dealing with a borderline personality or a psycho - forget it.  Your ex will do what he/she sees fit.

From the ex’s perspective you could be considered evil and he/she feels they are right and that will never change. The only solution is to stay focused on where you are going and give your children everything you can when you are together. Be their cheerleader and never burden a child with this. You must change your perspective. That is all you can do and to think either she will change or the system will fix it is not productive.  Unfortunately, those thoughts will eat you alive. Let go and trust!  While you do not want to hear this, your only enemy is your thoughts. Do not give over your power to your ex.  Enjoy the blessing of your new life and trust that over time your children will be blessed as well.  At some level you attracted your ex as your children’s mother/father so allow the lessons that go with that to be learned as they are meant for their journey.

If I sound like a preacher, I apologize, but I have such certainty around these things as I have witnessed so much.

Love and Wisdom

Leading the pack with new post divorce squeezes are Jesse James and Kelsey Grammer!  Why would their new squeezes think that it is going to be any different for them!!! Hello!  Wake up and smell the coffee girls! If they cheated on their last wife/partner they are going to cheat on you. Why is it that women think, " Oh it is going to be different with me", or " He has learned - he is different - I am different".  Wrong!!! This line of thinking is delusional. The proper line of thinking is:

"He is exactly the same, I am no better or worst then his last squeeze, he will treat me exactly the same and so if he cheated on her I need to assume he will cheat on me".  

So the question is " Am I OK with knowing that and assuming this is my fate too?”  I know you might be saying, “No Karen is wrong.  She does not understand our situation and he/we are different ".  OK then, if you do not believe me ask your grandmother and if she is not alive then ask your mom.  

Recently a couple decided to start blogging about their co-parenting challenges. On the surface this seems fun and perhaps informative but reader beware.  While we can certainly be entertained, we need to remember that every person/family is different and applying what works for one family may not work for another.   It is great for society as a whole, that we are discussing these issues and sharing insights and thoughts but we need to remember that there are multiple solutions for the same problem and we need to learn and ascertain ourselves what works. If we simply apply another families solution to our problem without considering the personalities and consequences, we could cause more stress then we have with status quo.

Take for example the reality TV show Jon & Kate Plus 8.  If we bought into their lives we know the outcome!!  So consider all this entertainment - apply their ideas cautiously and always read, listen and learn from those with both personal and professional experience. Most important - trust your intuition always!!