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Does the present process of divorce provoke murder?

These are two words we do not want to think about together in the same sentence but unfortunately in too many cases this is the outcome. The question is, does the present process of divorce provoke murder?  With over $1 million divorces in the United States each year and about 2 million marriages, we can no longer push divorce and the way society deals with divorce, under the carpet.  Some say that there are now three things that are inevitable – death, taxes and divorce and so lets endorse a better way for people to move through it.   While murder is certainly rare, the fighting over assets, children and the loss of love can lead some to outrageous acts of violence.  It is difficult to get accurate statistics as they are found under  “intimate partner murder” and so include all kinds of relationships. That being said, there is enough coverage in the media to know it is a significant statistic and this coverage certainly does not include the many “close calls”.  Murder in divorce is typically not premeditated and so while we know this number, we cannot accurately capture the number of individuals that fear for their lives and are at risk.  All too many of us know, either first or second hand, those individuals who fall into this high-risk category.  The traditional model of divorce, which includes court appearances and affidavits (filled with perceptions but labeled as facts), just adds fuel the fire.  These legal documents used to position either for money or custody certainly do nothing to calm the parties down. Unfortunately, once these harsh words are put into legal documents for the “record” there is no taking them back and for those already in a high risk scenario this may just be enough to push them over the edge.   

If you are getting divorced or know someone who is then…do not let them or yourself play the victim. Everything happens for a reason and believe it or not - just at the right time. Embrace the difficult journeys in your life and know with certainty that it is meant to be. Learn the lessons that the challenge presents so that you may grow and not repeat the same thing.  You can handle everything that comes your way. Protect ruthlessly your optimism and self worth.  Find something to be grateful for every day. 

Our system has failed!!!  As you know Fairway Divorce Solutions® is working to change the way divorce happens but what happens in the meantime?  I was just reading yet another article about a father who killed his children during the divorce proceedings. You all know, I am not gender biased as FDS supports both men and women equally.  But unfortunately there are just too many unnecessary deaths of the innocent.  This must change.  Please help me keep families out of the courts where they feel disempowered and angry.   

• Ask yourself what it is that bothers you about it. Are you judging them or are you really empathetic to their pain?  This is an opportunity to look at your own stuff and buttons (your shadow).  If we attract everything to us then consider that you have attracted your friends/families divorce and there are learning’s for you too.
• Try and not burden the divorcee with your pain about their divorce, after all they have enough to deal with and for you to add to it  does not help them
• If you find yourself really struggling with this then maybe you too should get some support so that you can be a strong, positive support system and not be negative and add to the chaos.
• Remember there is nothing wrong with feeling sad or disappointed.  In many ways that is where our biggest opportunity for growth is.
  

Ubuntu  

• Encourage them to get help – everyone needs someone completely objective to talk to and a well qualified counselor will help them move through divorce faster and help avoid attracting the same situation all over again. They will repeat the pattern if they have not learned the lesson they were to learn.
• Offer to do something fun with them.  Get the girls or guys together to do something as a group.
• Do not judge them or criticize them – they need loving non judgmental support.
• Help them stay focused on the here and now and not dwell in the guilt or pain from the past or the fear of the future.  Staying focused in the moment is crucial to really understand the learning’s that you need to take from the divorce and it will save them from going crazy
• Buy them some good books.
• Make yourself available to them even perhaps at late hours.
• Help them articulate and find a hobby, or sport that they like to do.
• Encourage them to get into shape so that they feel sexy again.
  

Ubuntu 
Karen Stewart

• Be supportive and “actively listen” - I mean really “hear” what he/she is saying. 
  
• Try and move them out of victim mode.  Do this by encouraging them to find the leanings for themselves and reflecting back to them what they have said.
• Don’t tell them that you saw their ex out with someone else.
• Encourage them to stay focused on themselves and not the other party. This is much easier said then done but very important for personal growth.
• Reflect back to them what you hear them saying so that they can in turn reflect on how they come across. 
  
• Do love them enough to share with them what they may perhaps need to hear rather then what they may just want to hear.
  
• If the person is more of a casual acquaintance then tell them you are sorry to hear about their pain and if they want to chat you are there for them –without judgment of course.
  
• Always speak from a place of being positive and hopeful.  Never be negative.  Note that being honest and realistic and providing constructive feedback is not being negative.  

I am so excited!!!!!!
I have started a new organization called kidsempowerment.com/org. This is a charity/organization that is going to help kids who have been victims of abuse/violence.   After working with so many families going through divorce and often just life - I am often shocked at how little care some parents have for the emotional abuse they put their children through.  There seems very little regard (not intentionally of course) for the impact their actions or lack of actions have on their children. I know that the scares cut deep and these children are often left with life long damage that seems to be just pushed under the carpet.  Of course - until history repeats itself.  There are many organizations for physically abused mothers and their children who are running for their lives - but I believe that we need to also work with kids who have been emotionally abused and empower them to embrace their lessons and move on to create great lives for themselves - some times in spite of their parents.  I intend on making this happen with lots of help of course!

Over the years, I have had many people say that they want to be part of the Fairway movement and volunteer time or support.  And now - we can make that happen. Over the next few years, I will be creating and building the platform for this charity/organization and so STAY TUNED!

“It used to be that we thought we had to fall in love in order to commit to a person. Is it not possible that we commit to loving and the journey that this love takes us on?  The former is a journey of fantasy and karma; the later the journey of co-creation and transformation”  
Tanis Helliwell

I read this today and I think this woman is brilliant.  Some times ending a relationship is in our highest best interest because our journey together has served its purpose and ending it is really only a beginning for what is next.  Consider, what our journey through divorce would look like if we had embraced this quote in our marriage.  If our journey together is truly served its purpose for our souls growth, then yes it is time to move on.  Consider further, that our ego is in the way and we have not learned the lessons this relationship intended us to learn, then we will just have to do it all over again with someone else.  If we had embraced this quote perhaps we would not be getting divorced and/or we would certainly be learning the lessons that we were to learn so we could move to a higher consciousness.

If it is too late for your marriage – then remember this for your next relationship.

The path to higher consciousness is not a painless experience    

Dear Divorce Guru,

I'm curious whether the cost of divorce is rising for men and women in their 40s and 50s. Are there newer laws in certain states requiring couples to file separately, thereby driving up costs? Or are men or women getting a larger share of the others' assets upon divorce? Anything changing over the past couple of years or so would be great to know.

Signed: Curious

Dear Curious,

The cost for divorce is rising substantially particularly in the 40+ where there are children and more assets.  The structure of the traditional system of law re: divorce, is comprehensive, paper intensive, time consuming and “filing & serving” generated.  The result is that a large % of the assets that could have been divided between the parties is going to the lawyers and other professionals.  There is also a trend in “I want to get as much as I can” which fuels the adversarial nature of divorce.  

Signed: Karen Stewart

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We know that the most powerful tool in manifesting our dreams and goals is to have a clear vision of what we want. Our painted picture of what we want “it” whatever ”it” may be – to look like.   It is really that simple  --- being relentless about the outcome and trusting that you will get there….but having the fortitude and grounding to give up on controlling the ‘How.’

This has been my personal mantra and it has made my life a lot easier.   It will help you move through your ups and downs too.

The hurdles and challenges you have experienced in your divorce are likely huge and painful but at the same time they have presented many opportunities for personal growth.    Surround yourself with positive people who are supportive and optimistic about your future and avoid the ‘nay sayers’ and dream destroyers who bring you down.

Embrace the difficult experiences in your life as they can lay the foundation for creating passion and vision for better ways.
 

Changing the way divorce happens

Ubuntu
Karen