A title about your blog

The other day a woman called for advice. She just found out three days before that her husband was leaving. She has been a stay-at-home-mom with three children under 17 and maintains a healthy lifestyle supported by her husband's good fortune in the market. She wanted to know her rights and what lawyer she should call. She was in tears and all she could get out was that she needed to know her "legal rights." In an effort to calm her down and stop what was about to be the beginning of a train wreck, it dawned on me that this reaction is normal and yet a very unhealthy destructive trend.

For whatever reason, we have been conditioned to not even take a breath before we start lining up the front-line shooting gallery. What people do not understand is that in most states, the matrimonial laws are pretty good and set out very clear ways of handling assets, child support and some times even spousal support/alimony. While making decisions around money and kids needs to happen in a timely manner, waiting to at least get out of shock and emotional paralysis is the first prudent thing to do.

Contacting a mediator, lawyer or other professional to help you resolve your issues is necessary, but give yourself at least a couple of weeks or a month. Unless there is some alarming movement of money, keeping things status quo for 30 days is not going to make a difference in the long term. Tell your spouse that you just need a bit of time to catch your breath. Request that things remain status quo until you can both start laying the foundation and making sound decisions about how you are going to move forward. The fear is when one party feels that the other party has had a massive head start and perhaps got their "ducks in a row" long before informing their spouse of their intentions. That may be the case but that is water under the bridge for right now. What happens in the next 30 to 60 days is not likely to impact your legal rights, but could have a huge impact on the outcome if you are over reactive.

Sometimes the leaving party will not only drop the move out bomb, they may also start suggesting liquidating assets, or selling the matrimonial home. This is where you need to ask for time. Of course getting prudent legal advice and making sound decisions is a must but the timing can have a massive impact on the outcome and how much money you actually leave in your pocket. If you decide to call a lawyer in any kind of reactive state then you need to understand the consequences and the next series of steps you that will follow as your spouse will now have to do the exact same thing to position the defense or counter attack.

Slow down, get a counselor, and speak openly with your spouse about what you both want the next steps to look like in order to minimize the damage to your assets, relationships and kids. It is hard to stay in a proactive mode when you feel deceit or hurt but remaining as ego-less and grounded as possible will save you more then you know down the road.  

Read More...

"Fail to Plan. Plan to Fail."

Does this apply to our money and divorce as well?  After 20 years as a financial advisor, watching the market implode and explode, does it make sense to add "Divorce Financial Planning" to our agenda"?  When we do our personal financial planning we consider retirement, medical, education etc but we certainly do not consider divorce, and if we do, we do not talk about it.  

When we set our goals and determine how much we are going to invest and into what, one of the main areas we have to consider is the amount of risk we want to take. We know--or at least in the past this has held reasonably true--that if we take more risk, then perhaps we have a higher corresponding upside, and of course the opposite is true in that we have a potentially lower downside.  

When we look at the risk we are prepared to take, we consider our lifestyle, our job security, our wealth, our children and our goals. We do not usually add divorce to that list. The reality,  however, is that if upwards of 50 percent of couples are getting divorced, then perhaps this financial risk needs to be addressed when doing our financial planning. In hindsight those getting divorced often articulate that they would have made different financial decisions if they had known that they were going to be divorced.  This does not mean that you have to put your money under a mattress or start socking money away behind your partners back, but it does seem to be prudent to at least contemplate what might happen if you were alone.  For example, tying up too much money into non-liquid assets or buying into a private investment with a very long-term horizon may cause a lot of extra financial stress if there is a breakup and you can not access the cash.  

One of the largest issues in divorce is the matrimonial home. While we often do not think of this as an investment, it really is.  Some believe that there is a huge buying opportunity in the housing market right now and that may lead some couples to over-extend financially.  That might work if the long-term hold plan pans out, but if there is a divorce in the fork in the road, then this strategy could lead to financial destruction and lots of  stress.  This does not mean that we have to become total marriage pessimists but it does mean we need to do to some prudent consideration when doing our financial planning.   

If divorcing, the best position to be in is one where things are reasonably liquid. This allows for flexibility, more security and more options. Many times the ability to have a clean break is not possible because you are so tied up with assets that cannot be turned into cash leaving you tied at the hip way into the future.   

Marriages end in Divorce on average close to 50%.  While it is impossible to accurately determine exactly what the stats are in Hollywood as they do not separate out the “stars”, it must be well over 90%.   Do the “stars” not understand the impact they have on society especially the younger and more vulnerable?   Do they not take any responsibility for the legacy they are leaving?  

 It was bad and now gone to worst with the newest to join the movement of Divorce - J-Lo and Mark Anthony.  Is this not the last straw?   Can we not shelter ourselves, and the younger generation, from this disposable marriage trend?   OK, so there are perhaps more temptations in the world of stardom when you are surrounded by beauty and bronze but come on.  Do none of these stars take any of their vows seriously?   Do you not think that with their positions and societies obsession with them, that they have some responsibility?   Well perhaps it is time that they did.  Not sure how to hold them accountable, but it would certainly be a good idea – someway – somehow.

The media is glamorizing divorce and the stars are fueling it.  When did we loose all those great traditional values?   Is it perhaps that they make so much money and are so egocentric that their values systems have been completely turned upside down. In the real world of North America, families divorce for many reasons one of which is financial stress.   So this one clearly does not apply.   The other reason is lack of communication.  “Stars” make their living communicating so you would think words might come a bit easier than for others.  So that leaves adultery and we know that certainly plays a role.  Or perhaps it is simply just boredom.  I would not be surprised if unlike the rest of us, this might be the number one reason for “stars” to breakup ---- we are just bored with each other.  

The problem is that the children that are a product of this trend are likely scared deeply.   Kids emulate values and actions and their Hollywood parents are doing a dismal job of achieving any kind of positive mentorship in this category.

Recent tabloids are talking about Brad and Angelina getting married.  To them we should say; “run” and “don’t do it”.  For the rest of the American world we should say go forward with caution and great understanding of each other and yourself. For the other Hollywood Stars who want to be married – perhaps take as much time considering your spouse, planning and communicating as you took time in Acting School trying to hit the jackpot – you might service society better.    From our perspective you do have that responsibility.    

This last week’s decision in Ontario to streamline a less confrontational court process for couples faced with divorce is fantastic and long overdue for our Ontario system.  It is public knowledge that the courts are back-logged and Ontario is no exception to this unfortunate situation.  The cost for an adversarial divorce case is costing tax payers a lot of money.

From last weeks rumblings we see that the system has put the realization in black and white: Status Quo is not working, children are suffering, there is needless fighting, pocket books and lives are being destroyed.  There has to be a better way.   It is promising to hear that the attorney general is taking the necessary steps to point couples towards the better way.

Mediation and other divorce alternatives are going to continue to rise in popularity as we build confidence in these alternatives.  Ontario's decisions will help guide couples towards alternatives to best facilitate their divorce.

Fairway Divorce has been leading this pack on a national level since 2006 and will continue to lead couples towards a better way.  

Click here for related article

Get out of your Own Way

People have an uncanny ability to get in their own way when it comes to dealing with difficult situations. When we are stressed or operating in a state of fear, it’s easy to get caught up in our emotions and that’s when we lose objectivity and perspective. We justify our thoughts and can convince ourselves with statements like: it’s ok, we are right, we deserve it, they owe me. And while most of the time it’s harmless, this pattern of thinking can easily get in the way of us achieving what is ‘really important’.

So what happens when both people enter into a divorce with this mindset?

In divorce, I’ve seen how these thoughts can often lead to further destruction of the relationship, lengthy legal battles, and positions that can’t be moved and needs that can’t be met. It sets up the classic scenario where one party has to lose in order for the other party to feel they’ve won. Often, the original issue that caused the conflict is long forgotten. Emotions rule, rational thinking is out the window. And the cost takes its heavy toll on finances, children as well as the parenting relationship going forward.

Sometimes I hear people ask: “But shouldn’t I fight for myself?” Or,  “If I don’t look out for myself, who will? Besides, it’s my legal right, isn’t it?” They feel that if they give up what they want, then the other person wins. It’s pretty natural that they have the potential to feel taken advantage of when they are stuck deeply in this mind set.

I wonder if the wrong questions are being asked? Maybe instead of asking “what it is that I WANT”, the real question should be “what it is that I NEED?” This would help you start to understand what is really most important and why. By shifting to this perspective, it is possible for you to start to see how to achieve what you need and still allow for the other to achieve what they need.

In other words, it’s about allowing space for ‘both’ points of view, for both parties to achieve what they need.

As Dr. Landau (Divorce mediation guru) says, “My needs are met, my greed I’ll regret.” So be careful what you ask for, you just might get ‘it’ and everything else that goes along with it.  Are you prepared to get what you want at all cost? As the Rolling Stones song made famous -  “You can't always get what you want. But if you try, sometimes well, you just might find you get what you need”.

So if you are in the midst of divorce or facing any difficult negotiation, taking a time out and asking yourself the right questions is essential to leading you to the right path. Remember you can both ‘win’. I see the proof of it everyday in Divorce Mediation. It’s a matter of opening the mind to the possibilities and having the truthful conversation with yourself about ‘what’s really important’.

So get out of your own way and be ready to answer the right questions. This will lead you both to a more peaceful, successful resolution.

There doesn’t have to be a winner and a loser in divorce.

Peace  

Are we mad because he had a child with another women or because he hid the child or because he cheated on America’s royal sweetheart?  Or all of the above?

A bit confusing really since we know that infidelity happens all the time and is responsible for many marriage breakups. And let's face it  - where there is sex there is potential for a baby. Hello!  I guess the entire media craze seems just a bit surreal.  Maria has been betrayed and that hurts a lot - no question, but something about this just does not sit well.  

It is easy to label him as the bad guy and certainly no one would argue that he made a series of bad decisions, firstly in cheating and then concealing the child.  But he did not murder anyone and there is, after all, a child that matters as much as Maria’s children.  Maria needs to focus on healing and the sooner the media stops labeling Arnold as the bad guy the sooner Maria and her kids can move on.  Victims often do look for compensation for their victimization but the outcome is usually much less satisfying than one would expect, partly because there is no real way to escape the pain of betrayal except time.  

Arnold made a series of decisions that in reflection seem selfish and without regard for those he loves but to label anything so black and white is naive. While having any sympathy for Arnold is clearly not popular, I have no doubt that he was torn in many ways with the consequences of his actions.  Torn of course, unless he is a narcissist or sociopath, in which case the pain caused by his actions will have no real effect on him.  

I wonder if his decision to conceal the truth about his son would have been different if he was not going to risk his career as well as his family. This trend of relentless judgement causes chaos in lives and perhaps is some of the root cause of other issues that America is having in the world and at home. How about the more spiritual approach of empathy and support without so much personal judgement?   Just saying….  

There seems to be a trend of Mothers accusing Fathers of using facebook to make them look like “good” Dads.  A number of women are complaining about “deadbeat Dads” using facebook to post pictures that show Dad in a good light so to position them legally and otherwise.

What people seem to not understand is that when a couple divorces, history is rewritten.  The parties will see their marriage and the roles they played in a totally different light than when they were married.  This is not a bad thing it is just the way it happens.  Since our truth is our perception, as our perception changes, our past is rewritten to reflect our new reality.

So as this applies to parenting our perceptions of what mom or Dad did or did not do while married is a product of our perception and roles at the time.  When we are part of a traditional family we will share roles according to the values and members of our family. Perhaps Dad did not bath the kids or drive them to and from their sports or help them with their homework. But this may have as much to do with the values and roles in the family and have nothing to do with his love for his children or his commitment to being a good Dad. When parents split roles change, as we would expect. While Dad may have not been around as much as mom wanted it may have had little to do with the children. It is not like he left them with a stranger.

Perhaps now that he is a single parent he truly wants to step up to the plate and be not only a provider but a Dad who takes on the daily tasks associated with parenting. His desire to show himself in a good light is as much about him fitting into his new role then for any other reason. Perhaps there is the rare Dad is who is a massive manipulator but this is rare and certainly does not speak to the masses.  Mothers on the other hand seem to get on this bandwagon and relish in the banter. She may see the pictures as positioning and insincere and that may simply not be the case. Parents and mothers particularly need to lay off and get over it. They need to pay less attention to what Dad is doing or not doing and focus on their new life.

Stay off their face book! Why put salt on the womb anyway?  In fact if Dad is displaying pictures of his fabulous weekend with kids and even the new girl friend it is better then him pretending he does not have kids and putting himself out on the dating scene as a lone man. Mothers need to get over it and do that sooner then later. There seems to be a certain comradery in complaining about ex's and that is the best way to play the victim and prolong getting on with their own lives.  The sooner they can let go, the sooner their life will resemble the picturesque new beginnings they dream about.   

Mother’s Day - A special day set aside to celebrate our mothers and grandmothers.  On the surface this seems easy enough – buy a card, some flowers and perhaps prepare dinner. It is also a fun day for the younger children to take a stab at preparing breakfast and serving it to mom in bed.  The image is full of fun and laughter.  

But, for blended families this day can cause stress when trying to find the right balance between attention towards mom and step mom.  Being a step mom is not an easy job.  Regardless of whether the children greet you with open arms or can barely look you in the eye, it is full of imbedded unpredictable challenges.  Except in the cases where the biological mom is no longer in the picture, the stepmom is always second fiddle.  The job of being a stepmom is hard work and it often does not come with the same unconditional love and feedback that a biological mom receives.

Defining the role of stepmom is personal and needs to be communicated and defined between a couple so that when events like Mother’s Day, weddings etc. come up, you have a blue print to guide you.  Recipe number one for success is that biological dad and step mom must be on the same page.  It is in the children’s best interest regardless of age to have respect for their parents and that does include the stepparent.  The couple can set the guidelines but Dad sets the tone and his role is so important in achieving balance and harmony for the children.

If step mom plays any kind of role in the children’s lives then she needs to be honored on this day.  If she is creating a home for the children, even older children, then Mother’s Day is a perfect day for them to thank her.  The gesture is important but “the how” should be left to the children so that they can find a way to acknowledge her that feels good to them.  If a card is too personal then flowers, baking cookies or something fun like a funky pair of socks could work.  If there is a lot of stress around this event, then get them to write cards to all the great moms they can think off and include step mom. It is important to let them give in a way that works for them, but giving should be non-negotiable.

Biological Mom is forever and celebrating her hopefully comes easy for the children.  Because step mom is married to Dad, and therefore can be perceived as a threat, she needs take a leadership role and encourage gratitude towards the biological mom.  The children will benefit greatly from this gesture.  Regardless of whose weekend it may be, ensuring that the children get to spend this day with their biological mother is a must.  It does not matter how you frame it, the children will feel horrible if they are not permitted to spend the day with their mother.  This should be encouraged so that this day reminds the children of how important a parents role is, regardless of whether biological or otherwise.  

On the other hand, biological mom needs to rise to the occasion as well.  Few biological mothers have open arms for the stepmother of their children and yet digging deep to find gratitude is not only in the biological mothers best interest but also in the best interest of her children.   

Spring Break

Depending where you live in the country, Spring Break is upon us and with tens of thousands of kids out of school for a week, there is an excited energy out there. Airports will soon be overloaded with holiday travelers seeking to escape the winter weather.

However, what was designed to be an opportunity to rest, relaxation and rejuvenation for both children and their parents; can sometimes become a source of stress, particularly for separated and divorced families.

Who will the kids be with? Do we share the time? I don’t want him/her to take the kids away. I can’t possibly top what he/she did last year. I can’t afford to …
We can easily get caught up in the pressures of holiday time when all these emotions get mixed in. Wasn’t this supposed to be a ‘break’?

So how do you thrive when all these emotions get mixed in?

First of all, stop trying to ‘top’ what the other parent did last year. If your schedule is an alternating spring break with the kids, don’t focus so much on how much money you spend or trying to ‘one up’ last year’s experience. As a former teacher, I often heard kids talk about ‘connection time’ more than anything. Ever notice how you might take a child to an amusement park, spend a fortune on that ‘souvenir’ only to have it end up under the bed or at the bottom of closet, quickly discarded and forgotten? But ask a child about the bonfire singing at grandma’s cottage last summer and they’ll tell you every detail of that magical night.

That is not to say that travel experiences aren’t full of wonderful memories. Who wouldn’t love to spend a week in a warm climate or at a Disney Park? If your ex is planning that vacation with the kids, release them to have a great time. Kids never want to leave a parent if they think that parent will feel bad. Let them go, knowing that a healthy childhood is about healthy relationships with both parents. Besides, you never want your adult children to ask: ‘why didn’t you let us go…”

So whether you are sharing time or spending the whole week, remember it’s the quality time spent together that counts, not the dollars you spend. And even if you are not going anywhere, then sometimes the simple break from routine like sleeping in, playing, talking can be fun! That’s what creates lasting memories.

Peace!

(PS And if it’s not your turn with the children, then take a little holiday break from routine yourself - sleep in, rest, play)  

Read more blogs from our Waterloo-Wellington location at: www.waterloowellington.fairwaydivorce.com

Lets face it, divorce sucks!  However, it does not need to define the rest of your life, unless you let it.  We all know that playing the victim is not the best way to move through divorce, yet over and over again that is exactly what happens. Perhaps it is a bit subtler, maybe you just complain a lot about your ex.   But even that takes the focus off of you (where it should be) and onto someone else (where it should not be).   I recently received a query from a man who spoke of the left over pain associated with the way his mother in-law and ex treated him. His new girlfriend is suggesting that his focus on the past is going to destroy their present relationship.  Consider that statement, as it is a profound lesson for all of us.  If we choose to focus on the past then we cannot live in the present.  Likewise, if we choose to focus on the future, we cannot be present in the now.  Usually, a sure sign that we are negatively focused on the past is the feeling of fear or guilt.  A sure sign that we are focused negatively on the future is worry.  While all those feelings are real and certainly do show up in divorce, if they take too much space in your day, then you are destined for a very slow emotional recovery.

OK, but how do you snap your self out of it?  This answer is profoundly simple. STOP thinking and TALKING about it!  The first step to emotional recovery is to start taking the step to stopping the actions.  Even if you are totally tempted to sit and stew over the injustices that have been done against you, stop yourself.  Pick up a book and force yourself to stop.  Say the word out loud “STOP”.   Whatever you do, do not talk about it as that reinforces the negative pattern of thought.  In time you will notice that the amount of time that your brain is occupied with this kind of destructive thought will diminish.  Remember it takes 30 days to break a habit and believe it or not – negative thought is a habit.   One day you will go to bed and realize that you did not think about it once that day. That is a sign that your heart has opened and you are truly on your way to achieving a Clean Break.