A title about your blog

We know that the most powerful tool in manifesting our dreams and goals is to have a clear vision of what we want. Our painted picture of what we want “it” whatever ”it” may be – to look like.   It is really that simple  --- being relentless about the outcome and trusting that you will get there….but having the fortitude and grounding to give up on controlling the ‘How.’

This has been my personal mantra and it has made my life a lot easier.   It will help you move through your ups and downs too.

The hurdles and challenges you have experienced in your divorce are likely huge and painful but at the same time they have presented many opportunities for personal growth.    Surround yourself with positive people who are supportive and optimistic about your future and avoid the ‘nay sayers’ and dream destroyers who bring you down.

Embrace the difficult experiences in your life as they can lay the foundation for creating passion and vision for better ways.
 

Changing the way divorce happens

Ubuntu
Karen
 

Dear Divorce Guru,

My daughter and son-in-law are divorcing and they have two kids. I have been crying for months.  My daughter has initiated this.  He has the money, the house and the kids, while she has pretty much lost everything. I tried to talk to my son-in-law last night and he hung up on me. My husband will not talk about it and has closed down. He is mad at his daughter.  I cannot talk to him.  I feel so isolated.

Signed: Troubled

Dear Troubled,

First of all you/her have not lost anything! It is all in your perspective and nothing more or less. Trust me - I know. You must stop the stinking thinking and find a way to be positive and shift your thoughts -- you do this and everything will shift-- I promise. Everything happens for a reason and you must trust that there is a good reason and know that the future will reveal it when it is time. If you stay positive and proactive vs reactive this journey will be a blessing. I have worked with thousands of people in divorce and it is all perspective. Our thoughts create energy and our energy creates our lives. So decide to take a different approach. Tell your daughter she is wonderful and she will make it through this. Tell you she is strong and can handle everything that comes her way - be her cheerleader.

Signed: Karen Stewart

You and your family may find some much needed comfort from my book "Clean Break- How to Divorce with Dignity and Move on with your LIfe"

Sandy Shuler is a Calgary-based family and life educator whose workshop Effective Co-parenting teaches separating parents to put the kids first and understand their needs during separation and divorce.

"Often what happens is, in the process, (parents) are remiss in understanding what the experience is like for kids."

Four tips:
1. Parents need to love their children more than they dislike their parenting partner. Put aside differences for the kids' sake.
2. Shield children as best you can from parental conflict. No fighting or name-calling in front of the kids.
3. Give children permission to love and connect with both parents and extended family (unless there is abuse happening).
4. Understand that children will experience loss and grief, too, and that their feelings will be different from your own.

Love that we are mentioned in the same breath!   I think it would be a great idea to have someone like me on the panel so that I could be the reality check of what might happen if they do not get their act together. Often times people end up on the doorsteps of Divorce not realizing what lies ahead.  Yes – some marriages have run their course and an ending is in everyone’s best interest, but that is not the case for many.  Others unfortunately get caught up in ego based reactive behavior, resulting in actions, words and decisions that bring chaos and stress and a destructive divorce. So buyer beware!  

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I knew she had a boyfriend.  Things just didn’t seem right.  I moved out and tried everything I could to save it. 

The week of the divorce seems emblazoned in my mind.  I knew I would NEVER forget the date.  It was just a couple of weeks past my 30th birthday.  My daughter was 11.  The boys were 8 and 7.  We got married at 18 – we knew it all.

To say I was bitter is an understatement.  Just months before I found out that my wife’s attorney was a guy I played ball with.  A teammate!  I didn’t even get an attorney.  I said, “take what you want and get it over with”. 

Fast forward 24 years.  It is April 2008.  My daughter is 35 and about to be married.  I live in Florida and my ex is still in Ohio.  The wedding is in Florida . . . as my daughter eventually moved to be closer to me (but really for the weather!). Somehow along the way all of the pain went away.  The anger subsided.  My ex married the guy she left me for.  Then divorced him.  Then remarried again and had another child – who was now 20 and in the wedding.

I had remarried, too.  At least twice.  My daughter was in my wedding the year before as my new wife’s maid of honor.  During the photo shoot before the wedding my ex and I spent a great deal of time with my daughter.  After all, we were the “real” mom and dad.

As I looked at my ex all I thought about was good times.  She still looked great to me – even though we were approaching our 54th birthdays.  My wife of just a year, the love of my life and the woman I wished I would have met when I was 18, and my ex get along wonderfully.  In fact, my wife drove to the airport to pick up my ex mother-in-law

The wedding was perfect.  I sang to my daughter and my new son-in-law.  She asked me to sing “The Wedding Song” . . . the one that was popular when her mom and I got married.  When the minister pronounced them man and wife I squeezed my wife’s hand.  Then I reached over and squeezed my ex wife’s hand.  All three of us had tears of joy.

The boys were now in their 30's.  The youngest was about to get engaged.  The oldest, already through a divorce and with a couple of kids.  The wedding was awesome.  The reception even better.

In 1984 there wasn’t anything like Fairway Divorce.  Too bad. When children are involved couples who are divorcing have to remember there will, eventually, be the day like the one I just described.  It might take awhile . . . but whatever you do during the time you are going through your divorce WILL affect the kids. 

This isn’t a popularity contest with the kids.  Remember that.  The kids will love you each for different reasons.  And, they will come to love your future spouses or mates, should you decide you want one again.  (Hint:  You probably will . . . regardless of how you feel today)
There can be clean breaks – although when you are going through it you think the light at then end out tunnel MUST be a train!  Again, I wish the Fairway would have been around back then.

By the way, I forgot the date of the divorce.  I couldn’t tell you for a million dollars.  That’s ok though.  Just ask my wife, Mary Kay.  Life couldn’t be better!

While you may want to ensure that your ex pays big time for leaving you and breaking up your family – this is not a positive way to move on!

Focusing on revenge and the past means you are not focusing on moving on!! Be very careful for this path is ridden with bombs that will blow up-- mostly in your face!  You are playing the victim regardless of how you want to disguise it!

They say that time heals all wounds. This statement is laden with a false sense of security.  The truth is that time will heal wounds but how they are healed is entirely up to you. You can band aid a wound such that the scar still goes very deep or you can work from deep within and repair it all the way to the surface. The repaired scar may be stronger then the original skin.   The first is a quick and easy solution giving you the limited results that you deserve and the second can be life altering.  You must be prepared to be 100% accountable.   So what does that actually mean? Does it mean that it is your fault if your husband left you or had an affair? The answer is that you are not to blame for his actions or inactions but you are responsible and accountable to how you respond to them. This seems too obvious but in reality very few individuals really get this. Consider an extreme case to provide the context of how empowering this truth is.   Lets say you were raped as a young teenager. You were the victim at the brutal hands of the perpetrator and no one will debate that.  But now consider the statement “you are 100% accountable” – this example puts this statement into an entirely different context. How powerful is that?  You are in control of one thing and that is how you react to what happens to you. Your actions, and thoughts define the event. The event does not define you!  So if you focus your efforts and attention on him – then they will not be focused on creating a better life for yourself and for that you have no one to blame but you.  Too many are stuck years after they divorce – they just seem to not be able to move on.  Why – because they have not learned to be accountable!   Simple.

Stop yourself in your tracks and change your self-talk.  Surround yourself with people who are positive and self-actualized – it will rub off on you and they will not encourage you to stay in victim mode.  

Juggling holidays, work and kids schedules for most families is challenging but for single parents it can be daunting.  Now more then ever, as divorce and extended families have become the norm, parents look for tips on how to co-parent stress free.
 

First and foremost set aside your ego and personal battles.  

The holiday season whether Christmas, thanksgiving or the summer are often a sensitive reminder of wishful thinking of what otherwise could have been, but redefining a new kind of celebration is a recipe for success and cooperation. Holidays are wrapped in tradition and positively framed will help children establish confidence, foundation and trust in their new kind of family.  Different is only “different” it is not worst. Creating exciting new kinds of traditions can be fun and the seeds for new wonderful beginnings.
 

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How to make it easier on the Parent Staying Home

It is one thing to get used to being a single parent but another getting used to being “left behind” as you watch your kids drive away on summer vacation with your ex.  So many parents dread their kids going away but, there are some practical steps you can take to relieve the stress and actually enjoy this time:

• Plan well in advance with your ex when their vacation times will be, so you too can plan. You can then make arrangements to keep yourself very busy.   Plan to take that overdue and so well needed vacation by yourself or with a friend, or attack those overdue tasks around the house, or maybe just get caught up at the office and take the evening time to spend with friends around town.   Be sure to have fun.
  
• Know their itinerary, so you can follow their daily travels. Knowing where the kids are and who they are with, so you need not waste time worrying about things you have absolutely no control of.  Knowing will relieve stress.  
  
• Plan regular, brief calls. Usually every second day is appropriate. Don’t stay on the phone too long as it actually fuels separation anxiety.
  

The best gift parents can give to themselves and their children is a well thought out detailed parenting plan. Why? Because it avoids a lot of unnecessary debate and stress down the road. Of course the best time to negotiate and write this plan is when you first divorce or separate, but it is never too late.

Good, comprehensive parenting plans cover; money, schedules, education, health, sports and much more.   They also should have detailed plans and agreements around summer vacations. The nice thing about a plan is that if made in advance of the event, it will address how to deal with conflict before it actually happens and can even prevent conflict from happening in the first place.  Both parents will have a road map with how to deal with parenting issues and scheduling well in advance of any event.  While some may feel that a detailed parenting plan is restricting, the opposite is actually quite true – the more detailed the plan – the more freedom for each parent.  Each parent is afforded the ability to plan and schedule both with in regards to the children and themselves, well in advance.  
And so, when – not if --- disagreements arise, the plan has set out in advance and can serve to keep parents on track with positive co parenting.  The plan becomes in valuable as it sets out how to handle the issues well in advance of the event materializing. 

How to have fun and survive the recession

 

Divorce is hard on the pocket book – period.   You still have the children,which is great, but with half or less than half the money, it can be stressful.  While this presents a challenge for day to day living it also makes planning summer holidays, even more interesting.  Who wants to say no---no parent does and so as usual, regardless of the decreased disposable   income, you plan to go on summer vacation and make the best of what you can afford.

The last thing you want to do however is come home to increased credit card balances that result in interest payments far beyond the original cost of the vacation in the first place.  While perhaps adjusting expectations of four and five star hotels, you can actually create experiences that go far beyond housekeeping services and pillows laden with hotel chocolates.   The key work is creating memories. We all know that the most memorable times with our parents were about experiences that were often simple in nature but full of emotional connections.

 Just consider a few alternatives:

Camping.   There is nothing like camp fire conversation under an evening of stars, plus learning to cook over a fire certainly creates lots of interesting challenges and dialog.

 

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