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Is there ever a good reason?

When it comes to these questions, it is sometimes very easy to judge and take a black and white position.  Most would respond with “it is never OK” but what in the case where the system has failed to protect the child and the parent flees to protect the child from their worst fear – murder or murder suicide. We know that this happens and we know that in most of these cases there were signs and further that these signs were ignored by the court system.  What would you do if you really felt in your heart of hearts that your ex was capable of killing your child.?  Would you run?  Would you risk going to jail for kidnapping and perhaps then leaving them with the person you are so afraid of.  Are you projecting your own fears or is the fear truly warranted. 

Our system has not done a good job of protecting many innocent children and there is not likely a short-term solution that will really make a huge difference.  We need to start pressing hard with the questions so that in time we can formulate the answers.  Brilliance is in knowing the questions to ask and then trusting that in time the solutions will reveal themselves. We need to be ruthless about figuring out the questions to ask so we can formulate the answers and change our system.  Of course some will fall through the cracks.  That is life, but we have too many that have fallen hard.    

Sorry to offend anyone but lets call a spade a spade!!

Elin “Woods” just made the best business deal of her life.  Comparing it to a business deal might seem cold and aloof but really, when do you recall someone entering a business relationship that totally crashed after a few short years and one of the partners walks away with 750 million dollars.   Seems that Harvard should have a new business specialty within their MBA program.  Lets face it, Elin went through hell as there is nothing like having young children and finding out that your husband has been leading two lives or in Tigers case --- many lives.  It is pain that we would not wish on our worst enemy but PLEASE! Elin does not deserve that kind of settlement and the fact that she got it should send every man or woman out there pleading for a quiet life of celibacy.   

Tiger Woods settles with Elin and Sandra and Jessie finalize their divorce.It seems that the big “D” is in Vogue these days.  

It was not that long ago that celebrity divorces were kept quiet and pushed under the carpet.  So what happened that all of a sudden we have such an insatiable appetite for knowing the details of celebrity divorce?  Perhaps Donald Trumps divorce from Ivana was the tipping point but where does it end – or does it?  It would seem that we have come to a place whereby relationships coming to an end is commonplace and the pay off can be substantial.  This isn’t necessarily a bad thing but do we need to make such a spectacle out of the terms of the ending?  

Perhaps we need to look within and find out why we are so obsessed with celebrities and their lives.  What is missing in our lives? Perhaps misery likes company and we just need to know that our divorce is not that bad in comparison.  Either way, reader and buyer beware.  If you fill your head with junk and focus on the negative, you will attract junk and chaos in your own life.   We need to be careful to not live vicariously.  

If you wondering. Should I stay? Or should I go? Should I ----- should I?   The best way to make a sound and grounded decision about your relationship is to use the LWD Approach.  

Listen  and Watch – this means really HEAR and SEE what the other person is doing or saying. If you happen to be in a verbally abusive relationship or just one where communication is not healthy then stop doing what you have always done in the past .  Do whatever that may be and start listening. If your natural reaction is to jump in at your defense, then try saying nothing or asking a very non threatening question such  as “Can you please explain what your mean or I think I understand what you are saying, is it that…………..”  Go against your natural reaction. Listen and then depersonalize what you heard. By doing that you start to take yourself out of the equation and really determine what the issue is.  Pretend that you are the audience and your spouse is the stage. Is this a good play? Is it one you want to see again? Is this the way someone with self-esteem and respect behaves? Or is it that the audience is too judgmental, controlling or demanding? Of is it that you have outgrown the purple Barney puppet show and it is just simply time to move on to another play?  If you are caught up in the play yourself you cannot be objective so you have to depersonalize it. 

Try and see you and the other person from a third person’s perspective. What would they say? Would they see things differently? What would they advise? What if that third person was you – then what your advice be? Sometimes the answer is very clear but we are just not ready to SEE or HEAR it. So get real and take a leap of faith either way. Any action is better then no action at all.

By doing nothing you are saying that status quo is OK or at least less painful then you perceive the other options to be.  

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In North America (at least almost all of North America) there is “no fault divorce”, which in laymen’s terms means that it does not matter what the reason is for the divorce and therefore the reason will not impact how assets are divided.  So most lawyers would likely say that whether you had a great sex life or a non-existent one is irrelevant.

The other question however, is more emotional and speaks to whether having sexually intimacy in marriage is necessary for a marriage to survive. Some would argue that sex is not necessary for a marriage to survive but certainly necessary for it to thrive.   Sexually intimacy is a must for a healthy marriage.  The fact is, whether you like it or not, those couples who share sexual intimacy approximately 3 times per week are much less likely to divorce.  Have you ever heard a couple that say that their sex life is great and are yet still getting a divorce?   Most divorcing couples will say that they lack intimacy, communication and sex. The fact is that all 3 go together. So wake up wives – if you want intimacy and communication you need sex and wake up men – if you want sex then communicate and be intimate verbally.

It is really that simple and if we lived by this formula the divorce rate would decrease.  

 

Some do it but can it last?

David Pelletier and Jamie Sale
Donald and Ivana Trump

There are many couples that work together and so when they divorce they are faced with an added complication. Who stays and who goes with regards to the business? In many cases the decision is obvious, especially if it is more dependent on one party than the other.  Take for example a Medical practice, one spouse is the bookkeeper or office administrator and the other is a Doctor.  Clearly, the Doctor stays.  While married there can be many advantages to working together both economically and practically but once divorced the disadvantages can far outweigh the advantages.  In the case of David and Jamie, whereby the working relationship is symbiotic, then for economic reasons they need to try and make it work.  But for the rest of the population moving on is often best. 

If a couple chooses to continue the working relationship then they are best advised to set a very clear plan which addresses specific responsibilities, compensation, hours, holidays, etc.  Redefining the relationship to strictly business is prudent even if they are co-parenting. Put the business hat on, and keep it on.  The more detailed the plan/job description/contract/USA (unanimous shareholders agreement) the better. If you can put things in writing and accomplish that without a lot of conflict then give it a try.   Buyer beware- working with your ex is not for the lighthearted.  Good Luck!

Remember fail to plan – Plan to fail.  

 

Is it ever too late to pull the plug on a BAD marriage?

The questions “Is 40 years too long?” and “ Should you just stay?”  were posed on a number of internet sites .  That is not the correct question. The correct question is as posed above.   

The answer is really quite simple.

IF you have done the internal work and you have come to the place where the union no longer is supporting the spiritual well being of the parties;

IF  there is integrity in the decision with regards to the future well being of the parties;

IF you have committed to the journey of counseling with the intent of getting to the place where you could make a informed and well balanced decision with no attachment to the outcome;

IF you have honored the spirit of the union from the past but trust that it is time to move on to another place;

IF there is not a third party involved, and

IF you trust

THEN YES

BUT my experience is that so few possess this self-awareness nor have they done the work that it takes to be truly authentic.

SO they project their lack of  “happiness” onto the marriage where is does not belong.   Happiness comes from within and is available to all who do the work.

THEREFORE it is a shame for most!  

So many people have been extremely fortunate in that they have achieved what they set out to do in their careers.   However, sometimes that can leave one feeling empty – with that nagging question of what is next?  All to often, he or she feels a big void in their life.  Is that it? Is that how achieving success feels? There has to be more,  right?

I cannot tell you the number of divorcing couples that have a story like “We finally have everything and then……. “ or,  “We have just finished building our dream house and then…… “ or, “I thought we had finally arrived and then……….”

This reminds us that we must always stay focused on an internal locus of control versus an external locus of control. We must challenge ourselves daily to continue to grow and evolve from within. We hear over and over again that things do not matter and yet our society sets the stage for an entirely different play. We take our eyes, energy and efforts off of our relationships and focus on achieving - getting more – being smarter – climbing the ladder and we look back and see that no one is on the ladder with us.  We feel alone and abandoned and we become vulnerable.  

So check in, if not daily, then weekly.  Are those who matter to me on the same ladder as I am? If not, then take some steps down and bring them along. Or continue to climb with the awareness that they may never climb back on that ladder with you.

We are never victims - we create all our outcomes.

 

Step Parents – Rights or No Rights?

One famous person’s parental heartache has awakened new interest and opinions when it comes to the rights of stepparents.  Sandra Bullock’s recent personal split has raised questions surrounding her custody and parental role of Jessie James’ biological children.  While legal rights are likely far from a reality, what about the emotional rights and/or obligation to the children left behind?   

Speaking from experience, I have found that it is a fine balance when it comes to knowing and respecting the boundaries of your ex and their children.  While the role of an “ex-stepparent” seems like a confusing one, it is critical to set realistic expectations when it comes to the new role you will play in the life of the child that once lived under your roof.

The key to creating a healthy and beneficial relationship with your ex’s children begins with having a positive relationship with both your former spouse and the child’s other birth parent.  At a bare minimum there should not be any apparent animosity between the adults.  If the two birth parents agree against your wishes that you should not play a role in the child’s life, then it is best to step away or withdraw yourself for the time being.  After living through what is most likely the second separation of parental figure, the absolute last thing any child needs in this situation is additional conflict.  Stay focused on what is in the best interest of the child.  Upon separating try to work with independent negotiators to look at creating a parenting plan that creates a role for your involvement on some level.  While the future may bring an opportunity to reconnect at a different level, this is a time to really step back and to take the high road.  

The idea that the pain and frustration left after a divorce may somehow impact your child’s ability to have a healthy attitude towards relationship is a hard pill to swallow.   For most divorced parents, pondering the question is prudent.  Unfortunately a large percentage of divorced couples lack the self-discipline required to remain closed-mouthed when is comes to matters involving an ex.   While it may seem natural to “vent” now and again, the results of this can be devastating to a child who begins to feel that one half of them is inadequate or their roots are flawed.

 Self-esteem is the foundation of relationship choices.   And someone with low self-esteem runs a much higher risk of ending up in a toxic relationship.  These experiences are part of a vicious cycle that will further shape attitudes and choices towards partners, trust and marriage.  Parents want to protect their children and save them from making the same mistakes they did, but their actions often fall short of their intentions.  Many simply do not understand the long-term damage they do to their children’s future relationships when the speak ill of their ex.  In this case, ignorance is not bliss.  It is destructive.   Lessons not learned will be repeated, if not in the parent’s life then most likely in their children’s.

Moving past the pain of a divorce involves taking the focus off the ex and putting in into your own emotional growth – the one place you actually have complete control.  Focusing on yourself is sometimes difficult, but it is also some of the most worthwhile work you will ever do.  By creating a happier, healthier version of yourself you are laying the foundation for a positive future relationship for your children.  In my opinion, this is truly one of the best gifts a parent can give a child.