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The fact that Bill 16, Family Law Act has been passed is a sign that the traditional system needed reform. The new act addresses some of the fundamental problems in the system and we look optimistically to the impact it has on divorce with children and families in general.  I do not think anyone can argue or dispute the massive amount of destruction to assets and children that has occurred in our adversarial system. The courts have been needlessly backlogged with mindless arguments and position bargaining about issues that simply do not belong in front of our Judges.

Couples using our expensive courtroom resources to fight their personal battles has to come to an end.  This is a step in the right direction.  The new Act steers couples towards divorce mediation, which is obviously music to Fairway Divorce Solutions’ ears but more importantly it is clearly in the best interest of children and their parents and it will also save a ton of wasted taxpayers money at the same time.  The unfortunate reality of our system is that those who really need a Judges intervention often do not get heard “in time”.  We do not need to look much past our front pages of the newspaper to read of the tragedy of families that were “lost” in our system.

I personally admire the BC attorney general for the initiative and I look forward to other provinces getting on board.  If we can save one child from the tragic outcome created because of our system and if we can start to empower children of divorce to move through their parents divorce without emotional harm – then we can start to change the way divorce happens.  The new Act focuses primarily on the well being of the children and I am hopeful that this agenda will create greater accountability within the system as it is long overdue.

Finding yourself on the doorsteps of divorce is hard enough emotionally but add the multitude of decisions on how to divorce that are going to have to be made and it can feel completely overwhelming. While there are only two main areas for decision-making; kids and money, coming to resolution can take years and use up a lot of your hard earned wealth.  While there is more of a trend towards divorce mediation, many people still feel the need to hire top guns with the perception that their "rights" will be better attended served.  In many cases on the pursuit of one's "rights", "best deal" or "win", the cost associated with an unpredictable outcome does not justify the time or the means.

On the continuum of resolving divorce issues, on one end is Litigation and the other end, Mediation. Moving from one spectrum to the other you might find, arbitration, collaborative law, interest based mediation, and other hybrids all worthy of consideration. While there may be the perception that litigation is in fact "taking control" the opposite is usually true. The reality is that retaining a family lawyer for litigation sets in motion a series of applications, affidavits, court appearances that destroys assets and relationships. Litigation is prudent in some cases where the parties have pursued every other means to resolve their issues with no success. While the outcome with litigation may be "just" in the face of the law, it is often not "fair". The judge has to use the information put forth by the lawyers and in the affidavits with the assumption that both parties are being truthful.  We know this simply is not the case. Take for example, where one party is basically telling the truth and the other is not, the outcome will likely be somewhere in the middle as there is simply not enough time or resources to achieve the real picture. To seek litigation to either prove your point, make the other person pay or to assume the outcome will be a win for you is unfortunately naive.

It is best that you and your spouse make the final decisions about money and kids, regardless of whether you get along or not. Ensuring you are an empowered decision maker with financial and co-parenting knowledge is the best recipe for success.  New mediation models like "Independently Negotiated Resolution" are process and results driven and ensure that both parties are well equipped to make decisions. While mediation has been traditionally thought of for only amicable couples, new innovated models can achieve resolution for conflicted families as well. The key is to keep your assets in your pockets and preserve relationships.

Divorce does not need to define you but how you choice to move through it can. The old antage - Fail to plan - plan to fail is rite with wisdom.  While finding yourself on the door steps of divorce may not have been your plan - you can start taking charge. Set the course and commit to take control of the things you can and manage the things you can't. There  is light at the end of the tunnel and if you embrace the lessons, the light will shine bright.

Tips to set the course and stay the course

Accept the Ending
Denial is a fear based reaction to adversity that prevents you from seeing, feeling and accepting the truth thus prolonging the journey through pain .  Endings are difficult and there is no ending more heart wrenching then a marriage. Men some times feel the need to be "right". The problem is that when two people divorce, history is rewritten by the parties and the filter we use to look back over our time together is a completely different filter then the one we used when we were married.  At the doorsteps of divorce, the parties may have an entirely different perception of the exactly same marriage. Men particularly struggle with this disconnect and yet trying to change it will only result in much frustration and further delusion. She sees it differently and you will just have to get over it.

Embrace the Feelings
Dads words "be brave, suck it up or stop the tears" does nothing to help you transition from the past. Men are certainly more open today then before with regards to their introspection and feelings but we still have some way to go. Seeking counseling at the time of the divorce makes sense. The good news is that men are becoming more open to the concept of  "talking it out" and they are finding the rewards that do go with this kind of catharsis.

Engage the right party and methodology for moving through divorce
There are many ways to move through the actual divorce process but making the right decision at the beginning can mean the difference between months/years of expensive, stressful chaos or empowered analytical timely resolution.  Avoid at all costs the more adversarial legal separation process of affidavits and court appearances as  you will lose - it is only a matter of how much.  Do not fall into the trap of thinking that the courts will give you vindication. Look for other alternatives that both ensure you make sound decisions based on the law and that move you through a process that reduces time and cost.  Do your research and discuss the options with your soon to be ex.

Protect your children and the ability for positive co-parenting
Never under any circumstance bad mouth the mother of your children. Whether you like it or not they are half her and when there are harsh words of any kind about her - you are telling them that half of them is not OK.  Is this common sense?  Yes - but in reality, this is a very difficult promise to keep as we get caught off guard with our feelings and we react with our words. If this happens then apologize immediately to your children. You can certainly explain that this is a stressful time for you and that perhaps you may say things but that you are sorry for and that you will endeavor to not slip up again. Knowing you are human and that you make mistakes but also that you are accountable when you do, will actually help to build the self esteem of your kids and give them a great life lesson.  Tell them you love them often and that your marriage breakdown has nothing to do with them.

Put together a Parenting Plan with your Ex Wife
There is nothing more important then your children and the ability for them to move forward with both parents in an empowering way.  How you choose to move through your divorce will set the stage for the future and the ability for your ex and you to co-parent. You certainly do not need to be friends but you do need to be mutually respectful. Remember that the only person you have control of is yourself. If you partner is behaving badly that should have no bearing on your behavior. Research shows that children need at least one stable parent/guardian and so if that has to be you then so be it . Get over what she says or does not say about you and focus on being the best you can be as an ex husband, co-parent and parent.  A co-parenting plan that sets out how, what, where and when with regards to the children will make life a lot easier for everyone - especially your children.

Be financially prudent
The Divorce Laws in Canada/Alberta set out that matrimonial property is split 50/50. Do not fool yourself that while the  "letter of the law"  may appear black and white you can easily  spend years in a court battle over what is really very grey. Do not think for a minute that because it appears so obvious to you that a Judge or your wife's lawyer will see it that way. Many a fool has spend hundreds of thousands of dollars and years trying to prove that their math is the right math to only find out that there are many ways of solving the same problem and perception is everything.  Our system may be Just but it is not always Fair.   Decide at the outset that your hard earned wealth should be divided in two and not in thirds or worst.  Seek out negotiators or mediators with a strong financial acumen so that while you split the pie today your decisions maximize your wealth for tomorrow.

And lastly Embrace the Journey as Everything Happens for a Reason.

 

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Those were the harsh words I heard 10 years ago just before 9/11. Sept 11 marks the day the towers came down and with that the chaos and pain that followed.  For me it marks not only the global nightmare but also the time that my personal walls came crashing down.  After 8 years of what I thought was a good marriage my husband announced to me "I just did not do it for him anymore". At that time we had three young children, 7, 5 and 3 months and so the reality of divorce with children was simply devastating to fathom.

My life at 9/11 took a turn that I did not see coming nor ever contemplated. From that moment on I had to re-write what I thought my future was going to look like and also to come to grips with the false sense of security I had in the past. I remember feeling the incredibly synchronicity between what was happening in New York and what was happening to my life.  Now 10 years later, those who were touched personally by 9/11 are in a different place then they would have been without their loss.  While time does heal wounds, hopefully there have been some miracles and blessings that have come out of the pain and chaos. The murderous terrorist is gone but the scares he has left on thousands of people remains.

I remember believing in my heart that if I was going to have to suffer the pain associated with my husband's infidelity and the ending of my marriage - that it was not going to be in vain.  I trusted that out of this difficult life event, there would be light at the end of the tunnel.  I felt like a victim but I know that to move forward and rebuild my life I had chose the path of empowerment versus victimization.  I had to trust that out of the ashes of my marriage would come many gifts.  Looking back, I have gratitude for my learning's.  I have confidence that I can handle what comes my way and I know that while life throws us some pretty difficult curve balls that we can in fact be better for it. Today I am grateful for my husband's words as they set me free from a marriage that would likely have destroyed my self-esteem over time. I was able to move on create lemonade out of lemons.

My hope is that for those victims of 9/11 that they too have found a way to move on, embrace the past and have gratitude for the blessing that they have in their life today.

 

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Most will agree that being friends after a relationship is difficult as the question of ulterior motive and resentment can hover in the clouds.  If friendship is in the cards it requires clear boundaries, a very understanding new partner and an ability of both parties to take responsibility and be accountable to the outcome of their relationship. The truth is that if two people who once were lovers can be friends there can be a comfortable and enduring trust that can serve to help lay the foundation for new relationships and the future.  There is really not that much difference if the relationship was one of cohabitation, marriage or simply a long term partnership when it comes to the matters of the heart.

The additional pain of divorce however, is associated with the loss of family, assets and the children, which often results in conflict therefore making friendship very difficult.  Children want first and foremost for their parents to remain married and if they can not have that then friendship is a second best. Unfortunately remaining friends is easier said then done in that there is usually a lot of baggage with regards to the divorce process itself.  In addition, establishing clear boundaries when there is so much history is challenging.  Friendship is a relationship built on trust, like-ability, integrity and kindness and for many divorced couples there is little left in these departments. So perhaps the better way to frame an optimum outcome post divorce relationship that is in the best interest of the children and the parents is one based on mutual respect. Respect does not mean, like, nor agree with, nor want to spend time with, but rather it is based on a mutual understanding of ones differences in actions, choices, value systems etc.  A post divorce co-parenting relationship based on respect is in everyone's best interest and serves to help empower both the parents and the children by demonstrating that while differences may not be able to live together, they can still hold each other in high regard and esteem - perhaps providing the children with a lesson that will serve them well their entire life.

 

Balance Needs VS Wants

There is a ton of pier pressure around back to school clothing and supplies.  Make a list of their “needs” and agree that the children will get one or two of their “wants” met and then allocate a set dollar amount that they are free to spend.

Set Budget in Advance of Shopping

Before you venture into any store with the wondering eyes of your children set a non-negotiable budget.  This is not just for their purposes but it is to keep Mom and Dad from caving into those pleading eyes.

Make a detailed list before you hit the stores

We know we should not go grocery shopping when we are hungry and the same rule applies when taking the kids for “back to school” shopping.   Way too many temptations for even the strong willed.

Set Budget for extracurricular activities before you sign up

After school activities are an important part of a child’s development and while we want them to be involved, we need to balance activities with our ability to pay. Set a budget per child that covers lessons, equipment etc and then engage in a conversation with them and the other parent about allocation of resources before you sign them up.   Kids will also take more ownership of their schedule this way as well.

Empower kids financially

We give children an allowance for “extra” things but consider providing them enough money so that they can learn to budget for the things they need as well.  One of the big stresses in divorced families is the loss/damage of things that go back and forth.  If starting around age 11, your child is responsible for their clothing budget then they will take ownership and amazingly - things all of a sudden do not seem to go missing.  

Agreeing on Priorities Early On is Essential

Back to school is a busy time of year for any family, but for those also trying to juggle the challenges of co-parenting it can be even more exhausting and stressful. Balancing the needs and wants of kids while also dealing with trying to accommodate the different value systems or priorities of each household can be result in unnecessary conflict. Like most events in the lives of co-parenting families, parents are best to plan in advance. Back to school brings the need to make decisions around back to school clothing, supplies, budgeting, extracurricular activities and scheduling and the earlier you can agree on priorities the better.

The divorce laws in Canada set out child support guidelines that are based on income and so for most families there is a clearly defined amount of money that is received monthly. This child support amount will be one of the most important variables in setting a budget and therefore what can be spent on what activities. While setting the budget can be stressful, often deciding where the money is best allocated can be tricky as well, especially if you are trying to balance the wishes of the kids and the resources of the parents.

The best way to approach this decision is to firstly set out the budget and then determine the options. If the parents can agree on what would fall into the acceptable category then let the child make the final decision. This is best in that it addresses both parents’ value systems but most importantly empowers the child to not only participate in the decision but take ownership of it.

Once the decision is made around how the childrens time is going to be spent with regards to extracurricular activities, homework, etc., then it becomes a question of what parent is responsible for what.

The best way to handle getting kids to and from activities is that whoever has the kids at the time of the activity should be responsible. If the parent cannot take the child for some reason then there is nothing wrong with them asking the other parent but there is a “but”. The “but” is that it is not the other parents responsibility to say yes, and only of it works should they agree. Setting boundaries is one of the most difficult things for divorced families and accepting without question when the answer is “no”. Of course then the parent who needs help can certainly ask others to assist. When it works, it is great for both parents to attend activities regardless of whose job it is that night.

Another area that can bring stress is the back and forth between households and all the “stuff” that needs to travel with the children. The best rule of thumb is that the less the kids have to pack back and forth the better. Try and limit the stuff they carry back and forth to school homework, outer wear, sporting equipment, the big ticket items or items that they need day to day. Parents are best advised to pick up the kids when it is their turn versus drop off. Picking up allows the parents a few minutes in the car to run through the list and if something is missing the child can easily run back into the house rather then the opposite scenario of getting dropped off and realizing that all the homework was left at the other house. This means calling back, another drive and unnecessary stress for everyone.

It is obviously better if both parents are equally committed to the children’s activities, homework and can positively interact with each other about their children but for some that is just simply not the case. In those cases, stay focused on what you can control which is yourself and doing the best you can to support the kids activities. Gather people who care about your family around to help and focus on providing your kids with experiences and the activities that you can afford. Do not waste time focusing on what your ex does or does not do as that is a waste of time and energy that is better spent focusing on the kids and your future.

Marriages end in Divorce on average close to 50%.  While it is impossible to accurately determine  what the stats are in all the separate States, it seems that where there is more celebrity and wealth - there are more divorces and so perhaps setting a bit more of the tone for "Divorce".   Do we understand the impact that we are having on the next generation and how we are actually glamorizing divorce?  We seem to  hold the wealthy and celebrity in such high media regard that when things go sideways for them, the younger more vulnerable generation gets to go right along for that ride and listen to all the laundry and sometimes sex appeal that seems to go along with that.   What kind of legacy they are leaving - Good -  Bad - Indifferent?

It was bad and now gone to worst with the newest to join the movement of Divorce - J-Lo and Mark Anthony.  Is this not so sad?   Can we not shelter ourselves, and the younger generation, from this disposable marriage trend?

While our hearts go out to both of them, as we clearly have no idea of what happened behind closed doors, we preferred the fantasy of a fairy tale marriage  - thank you very much.  OK, so there are perhaps more temptations in the world of stardom when you are surrounded by beauty and bronze but the outcome is that our children are going to think of marriages in terms of months and years - certainly not decades.  While we can be pretty certain that all of these these influential take  their vows seriously, then what can go so wrong so fast and so often?

Perhaps we do need to dig further considering the huge influence they have.  We do know that it is easier, not less painful, to get divorced when you have money but there has to be so much more to it. While celebrities and other influential people do get divorced more often, the trend is everywhere and touches people at all socio economic levels. What is it? Is the me generation turned into the me alone or me with a many marriages as I can fit into one life time generation?   According to Jane Fonda's new book - perhaps we need a marriage for each stage of our life. Judgement aside - she seems to have had a great life so far.

The media whether intentionally or not is glamorizing divorce and we are fueling it.  When did we loose all those traditional values?   Is it perhaps that with the dual income fame and fortune generation that we have become so egocentric that our value system  has simply changed and traditional marriage is not a top society value anymore? Or do we really care?  While labeling things as good or bad seems to get us into trouble - perhaps the best way to approach marriage breakup is with some indifference so we do not fuel it either way. In North America, families divorce for many reasons one of which is financial stress.  Another main reason is lack of communication.  Adultery certainly plays a role but is more of a symptom then a cause.  Or perhaps at the end of the day  it is simply just boredom.  It would not be surprising if  this might be an increasing reason. Not sure where that leaves us.

 

The problem is that our children are the product of this trend and since we clearly do not have it figured out then we are sending so many mixed messages.  Their heads must be spinning.    Kids emulate values and actions and yet we seem to be all over the map when it comes to marriage, relationships and divorce. Those with influence are certainly not to blame but lets hope that they understand the impact of their actions and the mentoring role they play whether they like it or not.  The rest of us need to do our best to mentor at our homes and in our communities.

 

 

Recent tabloids are talking about Brad and Angelina getting married.  To them should we say; "run" and "don't do it".  For the rest of us and perhaps them,  should we say go forward with caution and great understanding of each other and yourself. Either way, we all have a responsibility to just do the best we can with as much comprehension of our impact on others as possible.

 

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Venturing into the dating game after divorce can be exciting and treacherous all at the same time.  Many jump back in without really taking the time to ensure that they do not repeat the same mistakes and end up attracting Mr. or Ms. wrong all over again. Knowing when you are ready does require introspection, time and hard work but there are a few tips that can at least set you on the right path.

Feeling your pain
We are conditioned to run from pain -- but in fact learning to embrace it can quicken the healing process. Splitting is very painful and so the natural thing to do is try and run from it. We may opt to find comfort in solace, the bottle, antidepressants, pain killers, dating or anything that can give us short term gratification and distract us from feeling our emotions. Unfortunately this serves to only prolong the healing process or, worse, take us down the road of self-destruction. There is no question that being faced with uncertainty about what lies ahead can be very unnerving when you feel so vulnerable, but the best recipe for a happy future is to learn to be present with your feelings.

Building your understanding and taking your time
Understanding ourselves and our role in our relationship takes time and a willingness to be introspective. Working with a good counselor can help with this process but unfortunately there is no way to get to a place of objectivity without putting in the time and the effort. Just look around at the jump-back-in crowd. What often results is some very disheartening short-term relationships. While finding someone who you think might complete you seems romantic, we need to remember that Tom Cruise's famous one liner, "You complete me," really implied he was not complete on his own. Take your time and learn to enjoy life as a single person.

Finding the right life partner
They say that 90% of your happiness in life is dependent on who you choose as a life partner. This does not mean that we are dependent on our partner for happiness but rather that choosing the wrong one can be disastrous. In order to move forward and attract the right person and not just the same person in a different package, you have to patient, committed and have a true understanding of yourself. You have to do the "work." We know that like attracts like and so ensuring you are in a healthy place will increase the likelihood of you attracting a healthy partner. Ask yourself: Am I OK to be alone? Do I still blame my ex for our marriage breakdown or am I accountable for the outcome? Do I still have strong emotions associated with a past relationship? Have I given myself a couple of years to heal? Are my kids open to a new person in my life? Am I a healthy individual? Do I know what I am looking for? Do I know what I have to offer? If thumbs up to all then it seems like you are good to go -- but do proceed with care.

 

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I have been involved with helping clients put together prenups and while I agree that some form of pre marriage agreement is prudent if there are a lot of assets, we have gone overboard. The biggest problem is that prenups simply do not lay the foundation for a partnership. Take for example two people that go into a business together 50/50 and they both contribute in their way to the business but only one of the parties gets to keep all the benefits if they decide to part. I am guessing that very few people would entire that type of business arrangement. That is however the scenario that can be created with a poorly drafted prenup.  Prenups are best left out of the lawyers hands until all the issues and scenarios have been discussed at which time they can paper the deal.  Be very careful however as you may destroy the partnership before it begins.  Marriage is about love, security, trust, commitment and faith and a poor prenup can kill the security, trust and commitment factor pretty easily.