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Holiday Survival Tips for Adult Children of Divorce

Posted by: kstewart in Untagged on Dec 17, 2008

Now more than ever, divorce and extended families have become the norm. While common, planning for the holidays between separated families can be a major undertaking.

For adults whose parents are divorced, this means scheduling celebrations with each parent - separately. And if by happenstance your situation is just like Vince Vaughn and Reese Witherspoon in their new comedy Four Christmases, then that means that you have to plan for four holiday celebrations - two between your divorced parents and two between your significant other's divorced parents.

The holidays are meant to be a festive and enjoyable time for all and you can achieve this following this Holiday Survival Tips guide:

Set Aside Your Personal Battle

Not all divorces end well and not all separated families get along. The holidays are a sensitive reminder of wishful thinking that the past can be erased and everyone can celebrate together in harmony. For adult children of divorced parents, celebrating Christmas with each parent separately can be a painful ordeal. And while each parent may continue their ranting about the other, it is important that you set aside your own personal battle and not let it spoil your experience. Remember that your parents divorced for their own reasons. Although no longer one unit, they will love and take care of you (with opinions, protectiveness and all) no matter how old you grow.

This is the first most important step you must take to ensure your holidays are a happy one.

Plan in Advance

Talk to each parent in advance and plan which dates during the holidays work well for all. Also, let them know that special dates can be shared. For example, you can celebrate Christmas Eve with your mom's extended family and Christmas Day with your dad's extended family. Then for the following year, switch these dates around.

Have Quality, Honest Conversations

While planning festivity dates with each parent, also have a quality, honest conversation with them about the do's and don'ts when celebrations begin. Rather than saying "you", say "I". Saying "you" sometimes makes people feel defensive, whereas "I" helps them see your point of view more clearly.

Set Healthy Boundaries

In alignment with your do's and don'ts, also set healthy boundaries for yourself and your immediate family. Not everything goes as planned, and so you must prepare for that possibility and go with the flow. Only you know your family best so set boundaries with them before, during and after the holidays.

Build Your Own Paradigm

With divorce, traditions change. This is your chance to build your own special kind of Christmas. Set the tone, set the rules, set the agenda. Make it special for you and your immediate family, and for all families involved.

Avoid Expectations

With every divorced family comes certain expectations and guilt. Your mom wants things one way and your dad wants things another way. Therefore to help you mentally survive the holidays, set a rule for yourself that you will avoid the "shoulds" and only act on what works best for you and your immediate family.

Avoid Disputes

Regardless of a Scrooge or Grinch in the extended family, ignore any negative comments that may get under your skin. If these moments arise, take a deep breath and remember that you want to celebrate the holidays in good spirits and not one negative comment will change that.

Be Open and Honest with Your Children

If there are children involved, it is important to be open and honest with them. Provide age appropriate information about your unique family dynamic and the benefits it has for them growing up. While there is a lot of balancing acts involved with separated families, allow your children to become the centre of affection. In this case, the more family members means the more love shared and given - and there is nothing more special than that.

Take Some Time Out for Yourself

The beauty about separated families is the ample availability of grandparents babysitting your kids (and your significant other!). So in between holiday dinners and gift giving, commit to taking a couple of hours just for yourself. Go enjoy some "me time" at a bookstore, coffee shop, spa or salon, or at your home to watch a movie or favorite show. You deserve it so indulge!

Have Fun and Be in the Spirit of Christmas

Most importantly, be merry and have fun this holiday season. Live and laugh in the here and now. Your good spirits will be contagious and everyone will be joyous and happy.

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