Your divorce expert - Karen Stewart
Question: Why is it that just when we finally get everything we dreamed of, our marriage fails?
Karen: For more than 17 years, I have been helping people manage their finances; in the last 4 years specifically, I have been helping divorcing couples manage their finances and children. Within these combined years (two decades in fact), people have continuously come to me saying: "Wow, we just finished building our dream home and we have everything we have worked so hard to achieve. Now our marriage is over."
Why? Why? Why? It seems that perhaps the glue that holds couples together is no longer sticking. How many times how you heard "empty nest syndrome"? This typically occurs in homes where a child(ren) move out and the parents suddenly realize how lonely they feel. There they are-mom and dad-living under the same roof with nothing in common.
Are we just too busy raising kids and building our net worth that we do not put the needed attention into our marriages? Or is it that we are not meant to be with that one person forever so really there was nothing different we could have done?
Perhaps that is too philosophical for this blog. While I may have an opinion about this, I would rather encourage you to determine the answer yourself. I believe that there is a reason and it may serve us in our self-exploratory moments to ponder our answer.
I think in some ways it makes sense. We may, as a couple, have been solely focused on building the new cottage/home or perhaps preparing the kids to go off to college/university. What we were focused on was what we created - "The Secret" (inspired from the documentary)l. Perhaps at the same time, if we were focused on ensuring that our primary love relationship had lots of communication and intimate moments then we would still have the focus of each other, even when there was no longer a focus of kids or wealth accumulation.
But let's face it. Time is an infinite resource and by the end of a busy day-filled with kids, driving, school, work, dinner, house work, home work, etc.-we barely have enough time for ourselves and so our prime mate gets what is left - a quiet, warm body fast asleep.
So then why do we stay together just until we finally get it "all"? Perhaps one answer is that there is often enough passion in the event itself to keep you preoccupied. For example, building our dream home is exciting; while it takes a lot of our personal and financial resources, it can also give us a splash of new found energy and fulfillment. We may perhaps not even notice a void in our relationship because we are not lacking in this passion. Then when all of a sudden we have "arrived" at the destination that we have been focusing on, we soon look for a new focus. At this time, we may look to our spouse and realize that they were not our focus. Maybe we knew that or maybe we didn't, but either way we now have to decide if we want them to be one of our primary focuses.
Even when in denial at some level, we know that a successful marriage takes time and effort. We might then find ourselves faced with a huge dilemma. The person standing beside us is not the person you want to focus on! So now what? And so here we are, back where we started. Many marriages end because couples no longer have similar focuses.
I believe we need to ask questions and understand without judgment. We need to make decisions that are truly and authentically right for ourselves. Everything else will fall into place, even if it does involve some short-term pain and stress.