With Valentine's Day right around the corner, it can be particularly difficult for those going through divorce or just recently divorced. Likely, our friends that are in relationships are busy ordering flowers, making dinner reservations and planning that special day to share with their spouse or significant other. February 14 is coming and while we may want to pretend it does not exist - all the reminders in the malls, stores, ads on TV and news print - smack us right in the face. As you know, I enjoy redefining how we see things by altering our perspectives to find hope and excitement with new beginnings, especially when it comes to divorce. So bring it on -- Valentine's Day.
I assume, that your typical Valentine's Day brings up visions of romantic interludes with your "soul mate". This day is after all, about letting that special someone know that you care and that they still make your heart go pitter patter. It is about chocolates, flowers and special intimate moments....
BUT IT CAN ALSO BE ......
about all the others that you love and that make your heart go pitter patter - in a different way. Think of your children, your families and your friends because they too bring joy and love to your hearts and for that they are very special Valentines..
Of course, we all want to have that one special person - that just seems to be the way we are made. However, when in the process of divorce or just recently out of one, we are usually not quite ready for a commitment. But we still need to find a way to make this a positive day that we can experience with hope, peace and love.What can we do to ensure that we move through this day in a positive way?
Redefine its meaning. Make Valentine's Day a day for you. Use this day to reflect and start to set your minds eye (your painted picture or vision) on what you might look for in the future. Then greet the ones you love (children, friends and family) with a special Valentine's just from you.
BUT THERE ARE SO MANY QUESTIONS!
Q: I have always given my wife flowers on Valentine's Day, but this year we are not together. Should I send her flowers or will it give the wrong impression?
A: If you have the heart to send your ex-wife flowers, then go right ahead and do it. Just don't choose the color red (you do not want to send mix messages); choose either yellow or white, both of which provide the meaning of friendship. Or you can send some wild flowers instead of roses. A nice note thanking her for something that you loved about her - perhaps she was a good mother, or a good cook or a great support while you built your career or loved to do the same sport - thank her for that. Do it for yourself because there is great healing in gratitude. Wish her the best in her new beginnings. Keep it simple. One or two lines are all you need.
Q: How do I perhaps start attracting a new partner?
A: First, make sure you have dealt with the issues that got you to this place. Ask someone you love to be brutally honest.
"Do you think I am ready?"
"Do you think I will create the same outcome all over again with someone else?"
"Do you think I will attract another Tom or Sandy?"
If their answers tell you to slow down and look into the mirror first, then do that. See a counselor or get some good self-help books. Just be good to yourself by not jumping into a relationship.
If on the other hand you get this answer: "Yes, I think you are ready!" then that is fantastic. However, make sure you ask someone who will tell you what you need to hear and not what you want to hear. If you have given yourself enough time to heal, then get ready and excited about moving on. If it is less then one year then I caution you - but only you can determine how much time you need to leave your past behind you and move on with a clear focus.
So, if I am really ready - then what?
Get comfortable with your favorite drink and spend the evening of Feb 14th making your two "wish lists." The first is the list of what you are looking for in that next partner. "What do you want?" is the key question. Be authentic. Be soulful. Do not be shallow if you know what I mean. Dig deep and be specific. Try to come up with at least 50 points about what you want.
Then, once you are done with that list, begin the next list outlining the 50 qualities and features that you have to offer. Uh huh, now you got it. Have fun with these lists and be true to yourself.
Now put it away in a safe place and bring it out every now and then to read it. It is amazing what happens when you put pen to paper about your authentic intentions.
Remember intention is much more powerful then attention!
Q: How do I deal with the fact that my ex is spending their night with their new lover and I have no one?
A: Ouch, isn't it? But here is the brutal truth. You have to get over it one day and perhaps you make Valentine's the day to commit to making it happen. Turn your focus to your future and leave the past in the past. Perhaps pour your heart out to your journal. I know that women tend to use this method more than men, but it is so therapeutic for both - men give it a try. You can always go for a beer with your single buddies as well. Or just have a fun night with your kids.
Q: I am recently divorced. I am smart, confident and strong. I am also alone. Please give me ideas of what I might do on this day to feel good about myself?
A: Some ideas for the recently divorced:
- Buy your kids Valentine treats and put them on their pillows for when they go to bed or at the breakfast table. Turn the focus to the love you share with your kids. After all they are true-blue Valentines.
- Buy yourself a box of your favorite chocolates and perhaps a bottle of your favorite wine and rent a romantic movie. Treat your feminine side or perhaps not. Go for the testosterone hit instead - rent a Bruce Willis (he seems to model a pretty good new kind of family) or a if that doesn't tickle your fancy perhaps Rocky movie might.
- Book a night out with all your single friends. I know the pickings get slim when you get older but there is always one or two. Go for a great dinner and have some fun.
- Join a dating service either online or in person. Start getting the things rolling but only if you are ready.
- Buy some really sexy lingerie and wear it to bed. It feels good to be sexy even if you are by yourself.
- Spend the evening doing something you have really wanted to try. Perhaps cooking something gourmet or taking a kickboxing class.